Cos-NO, NO, NO-politan #2

Don't you hate it when you realize you've been singing the wrong lyrics to a song and wonder how many times you've exposed your deaf ear? DJ Khaled's "We Taken Over" apparently does not contain the phrase murder city attitude, rather one city at a time. Not even close, well played Khaled.

Anyway, I picked up this month's Cosmo because I was curious to know if "Stress is Turning You Into a Raging Bitch." Not to worry, they've provided some killer solutions. All I need to do in order to stimulate my "feel good hormones" is lock lips with someone, practice saying the word No, and skip the New Year's resolution. After all, that New Year's resolution really gets my cortisol raging. Phew, dodged a bullet there.

This month's anthology is filled with perfume ads from celebutards. I'm sorry Jessica Simpson, I'm sure your fragrance is lovely, but I have a hard time spritzing myself with Fancy Love and not feeling like a giant douche. Also, Mariah Carey's Forever ad is one of the creepiest photos I have ever seen. Sort of makes you want to buy that dangerous looking vile of kryptonite in hopes of supporting those afflicted with Bell's palsy.

Moving along, Turn a One-Night Stand Into an LTR (long term relationship for those of you who have not given up on complete English in lieu of Twitter/text/Facebook speak). The tag line - If you realize that Mr. In-Your-Bed-Right-Now could possibly be Mr. Right, you need to act fast! - is so sad on so many levels. It should read - If your slutty ass realizes that the lagoon creature in-your-bed-right-now could possibly be carrying various strains of VD, you need to get to a clinic fast! Seriously Cosmo? It's bad enough if you find yourself preparing for your sad walk of shame, let alone giving advice on how to draw it out. Little tip ladies, one-night stands don't usually lead to romance. You've already given up the goodies to a guy who was willing to sample the goodies before you've even learned one another's last names. Where exactly do you go from there? Uhhh...so, do you like, have a job? Oh, I see you collect toenails...interesting. I don't normally do this ::nervous laughter:: I'm just gonna grab my scrunchy and head out. Byyyeeee.....

In the Man Manual under Guy Truth, I had one of my most urgent questions answered: Can I ask my guy what's going on in his head during sex? I mean c'mon, is this query really worthy of publication? Does anyone wonder if this is an appropriate activity during sex? The other question I've been dieing to have some light shed on: This guy I met only talks about sex. Is that all he wants from me? No honey, he's Dr. Ruth's apprentice, it's just research.

Let's see, I learned Why Love is Harder in Winter. Answer - you feel gross. Solution - adopt a puppy together! WTF? Do you get rid of the dog when the earth thaws and you're done feeling gross?

I've taken on a new obsession - I plan on compulsively analyzing the way men hug me. What I've gathered thus far is that the sneak attack, the rub, and the waist wrap = good. The pat = bad. Although there's an exception to the sneak attack. "If your man almost always hugs you from the back, that might mean he craves a closer connection but thinks you're unavailable." Agghhh! How does one remedy this?! The investigation continues...

The Need to Know section really tugs at your heart strings this month in a little composition entitled Why I Got Rid of My Fake Boobs. Spoiler alert! Everyone stared at them and didn't take her seriously. I did need to know that.

Finally, the Cosmo Quiz, Do You Get Enough Pleasure? brought on the startling revelation that I am the Queen of Temptation: You're at a 24/7 pleasure party...but there's more to life than caving in to every instafun (if we find a great lack of authors, editors, or English teachers in the future I'm blaming Cosmo) temptation. Try ignoring your buzz-kill radar and riding out tough times (um, no thanks. You're on my buzz-kill radar Cosmo) you'll attain a deeper level of pleasure. I don't like the insinuation behind this, makes me sound like a harlot.

So that's this month's Cosmo for ya. I've got to go find some pleasure now and start a hug journal.

Check out my inspiration for doing a dating promo below at Talkie Time. Love. This. Woman.