Age ain't nothing but a number

...according to the late Aaliyah. To those who date outside their socially acceptable age group I'm sure these lyrics are inspiring. However, at what gap does romance start to become creepy? I've typically dated men 2-3 years older than me. As my love life began stagnating, I thought I'd expand my pool of eligible bachelors to the 24-35 bracket. Most women adhere to the notion that men mature more slowly so it's imperative to seek the older, more cultivated renaissance man. There's some merit to this when you're in your 20's because frat boys and recent college grads are just getting over their awkward growing pains. Being of course, the uncontrollable urge to comment or stare at breasts, thinking posters are an acceptable form of decor, affection towards Hooters hooters cuisine, and of course NARBs. I don't think the age matters so much as does the point you are at in your life. When you're 37 and your spouse is 48, does the age gap really matter? Of course if you're 15 and your boyfriend is a senior in college, there's bound to be some (legal) issues.

The youngest I've dated was about 3 years my junior, oldest would have to be 13 years my senior. Most of the women I know tend to stick in one specific age bracket. Whether they prefer the young, nubile stud or the seasoned gentlemen, there is usually very little deviation. Since my dating life has been pretty much a crap shoot, I thought I'd buck tradition and dabble in all brackets. Okay, minus pubescent jail bait and septuagenarians. Based on my rigorous testing methods (that being, try anything once) and precise analysis of my importunate research, here are the results.

The appealing aspects of younger men are as follows: they're eager to please, probably have not sustained too much emotional damage yet, and have loads of potential. Get him at just the right point in his life and he'll be an eager apprentice waiting for you to mold and guide him. I've attempted this route and although it's nice to be a part of someone coming into their own, it's also exhausting. You spend lots of time feeling like his mommy and I think we've already established I'm not exactly the maternal type. In his defense, the young guy is usually game for anything, doesn't have a lot of responsibilities tying him down (nice way of saying McDonald's cashier), and is unsure of what women want so he's willing to try anything to make you happy. He's also more apt to being impressed by things such as checking accounts, owning your own car or home, and if you can cook his favorite meal just like mom does. Young men are refreshingly easy to be around as they're always in search of the next adventure or slightly amusing activity. No pretension or underlying motives, they're simply happy to be with you for that moment. These are the guys that seem the most exciting to marry initially because you envision a life of carefree shenanigans that will keep you young and vibrant for years to come. The reality is that at some point they will grow up and become just as boring as you.

Moving along to men my own age. Problem with these fellas is that they're usually looking to get married and start families because that's what all their buddies are doing. They are also beginning to establish their careers. This is great if their career interests, inspires or impresses you. If not, then you can't very well expect them to change at this point. These men have begun to feel the pressures of adulthood and it shows. Commiserating about jobs, relationships and money are the new talking points at happy hour. Sure I relate to this age group on most levels, but the things I consider "issues" in my life are generally quite different and I don't like to wear my flaws on my sleeve anyhow. It's depressing and boring. No one has any meaningful advice or answers to alleviate these new grown up responsibilities so what's the point of discussing them? I believe most of these men prefer avoiding any sort of investigation into the root cause or possible solutions, because what would they have to discuss on a Friday night? Long gone are the days of college parties and hooking up with everyone you meet to inspire conversation. No more springbreak vacations or plans for the future. So what's left to talk about? How about pick up a freakin' newspaper! Sometimes it's interesting to discuss things outside of your own little bubble. There's a lot going on in the world and if you can believe it, most of it is happening outside of the greater Milwaukee area. So you see, this age group has grown somewhat tiresome for me. Call me a traitor, facts are facts.

Finally, the trickiest of all age groups - older men. To clarify, I'm considering 10+ years my senior the "older man." Here's where things get a bit dicey. For starters, I'm in the prime "cheat on your wife" age group for older men. All the tawdry tales of middle aged men diddling their 20-something year old secretaries, yep these are my peers. By societal standards, older men are simply in pursuit of the next hot young thing that makes them feel virile. After all, what could you possibly have in common? I'm not a fan of this stereotype because a) I'd like to believe I have more than a wrinkle free face and non-drooping boobies - maybe not making a great case for my maturity by utilizing terms such as boobies, eh - to offer an older man, b) maybe they still want children and mother nature can be a real bitch when it comes to women and their reproductive time frame, we're talking pure science people, human longevity and the survival of the species...riiight... and c) men unfortunately tend to age more gracefully than women and often feel years younger than their drivers license would have you believe. 20-something year olds have a different mindset when it comes to their "problems" and relationships compared to older women. This can be good or bad, depending on what you're willing to put up with. Our issues deal more with superficial desires and are easily appeased by a supportive partner whom rivals their mom in the pick-me-up speech department. We're still rather idealistic and don't cling to past wrongs so moving forward is usually pretty painless. No offense to older women, but you tend to get a little bitter especially if you're still single and no one likes a spiritless spinster (bonus points for alliteration!).

Most younger women are easily seduced by the maturity and apparent stability of older men. However, you must compete with their set ways and may indeed find yourself taking a backseat to their needs. You have to wonder whether or not they take you seriously or simply humor you because you titillate their dusty parts. DTabs made a valid point the other day. She said older men are appealing to younger women because they have what we long for. That sense of self and their place in the world. As we struggle to figure out who we are to become and what path will take us there, these men seduce us with their stoic confidence. Yet one day (similar to the young men growing up to be your boring counterpart) we'll figure it out and find our own sense of calm and purpose. So where does that leave our unwavering rock of an older man who no longer impresses us with his assuredness? Just old I guess.

So there you have it - men come in all different packages at any age. That revelation was free of charge my friends. Some of the old may be the most juvenile, whereas some of the young may be years ahead of themselves. Each individual is different in their needs and expectations. So basically, yet another dating cliffhanger. I swear at some point I will provide you with a valid lesson of some sort. Okay, definitely maybe not but at least you know I'll vouch for you if you find yourself dating anywhere along the creepy age gap continuum.