Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Counting my blessings

The past year has been an interesting one to say the least. The bad is usually more engrossing than the good, but there has been so much good bursting from my cornucopia (hehe...lame) that I thought I'd make a list.

What I'm Thankful For:

  • When my dastardly puppy nestles his head underneath my chin when he sleeps.

  • Big Daddy and his highly inappropriate text messages that always make me laugh out loud no matter where I am.

  • Every pair of Ed Hardy shoes that I own. I know I'm a sell out, but they are so comfy.

  • My Gramps being at home again.

  • My cousin Emily for helping put things into perspective for me.

  • Feeling peaceful after leaving mom's house.

  • My brother being home from Canada.

  • Maverick and Rebel turning out to be the best dogs ever.

  • Spending time on my dad's ranch.

  • Songs that I can listen to 100 times and not get sick of. (Aerosmith's Dream On)

  • The first cup of coffee in the morning.

  • Chanel and Dior beauty products.

  • Still being able to fit into my jeans from high school.

  • Joining the rest of our dog pack with Seany at Minooka.

  • Looking through pictures of all the amazing places I've traveled.

  • Talking to Aunt D. She always makes me laugh, think and prioritize!

  • Grams being sassy.

  • Clean 1200tc Egyptian cotton sheets.

  • When the weather is just right (no rain or snow, chilly) so I can wear my white goat boots.

  • Being blonde again!

  • Mr. Merlot

  • Mario Party, real estate tycoon board....awesome.

  • Packing for the next trip.

  • Being up-north with just my dogs.

  • Mom making faces in church and letting me snuggle against her shoulder like I used to when I was little. I wish she'd still let Jake and I lay down in the pew and take naps.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Count your blessings!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm sick of dating, ya hear that Nick Nolte?

I'm sick of dating.

Would I enjoy a stable, consistent, impossibly handsome, humorous, employed, handy guy in my life? For sure. Do I want to actually go out and proactively search for him anymore? Not so much. At first getting all dolled up and hoping your mystery man didn't turn out to be Nick Nolte or rivaling a potted plant in conversational aptitude was fun. Hooray, butterflies and little dinosaurs (indigestion?) in my stomach! Now it's sort of tedious and inconvenient. It's one thing getting ready for a date that you're actually looking forward to, it's another story when you're planning your impending escape route before you've walked out your door.

I'm sick of dating.

Over the past year I've realized there are tons of great eligible bachelors. Good news ladies, there are plenty of smart, witty, successful, gorgeous men just ripe for the picking! Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed perusing the fields, but haven't quite found the one I feel like throwing into my basket. I have noticed that all this dating has become rather deleterious to my Christian inclinations.

Let's quickly go through the 7 deadly dating sins timeline:
  • While primping for a date - Pride/Vanity
  • Attempting to impress with clever banter and mundane facts about yourself - Envy (yeah, it's a stretch; I want to make you envious of whoever gets me if it doesn't happen to be you? Eh? Good?)
  • Consuming waaaay too much alcohol for that boost of liquid courage; or if you're sure there won't be a second date, ordering and subsequently shoveling the most expensive items on the menu into your smooch hole. - Gluttony
  • Being a giant sloot. - Lust
  • Wanting to be with someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with you. Sorry you blew it, let it go. - Greed/Avarice
  • Turning into a certifiable lunatic after your love interest moves on. Spurn love, opt for fury! - Wrath
  • Wishing someone would just arrange a marriage for me already. - Sloth

I'm sick of dating.

I was going through some profiles the other day and saw I had received an email from a handsome, Lutheran, successful, home owning, tall, blonde hair, blue-eyed, 37 year I shit you not. He boldly proclaimed this fact in his tag line, followed by "saving myself for my bride" in his profile. I'm all about unsolicited pontificating, but come on! What is a horny modern 21st century girl to do with that little detail?! I refuse to corrupt a seemingly cherubic man. In no universe would someone that um...what's the word...good? righteous? restrained? co-mingle with the likes of this frequently morally ambiguous gal. Not to say I'm the whore of Babylon, but I'm not exactly the blessed virgin either. Sorry mom, but I refuse to add liar to my list of transgressions.

I'm sick of dating...and exposing some not-so-fun facts to my mother.

Here's where I'm at. My come to Jesus moment has shifted my dating life from 6th gear to Neutral and I'm laying low for a bit. Should my anti-Nolte appear in the meantime, yippee for me. I'd love to skip the dating period and jump right into matrimonial bliss (I'm 98% certain this is an oxymoron. I'm 99% certain this is something you should not say on a first date...and of course, I have). I think I'm ready to be in a real relationship, I'm just exhausted from looking for one. Hehe...I've got a lot of quit in me.

Did I mention I'm sick of dating? I did? Just checking.

Am I still hoping Uncle Haru has an arranged marriage in the works for me? Absolutely.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

At least I didn't steal any babies.

I'm in the middle of a come to Jesus moment as I have recently been on a sinnin' spree! Seriously, one bad choice followed by an even worse action, rounded off with a really stupid situation. I'd love to blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol, but sadly I can't. Seeing as I'm pretty into my reputation and the way others perceive me, I'm gonna have to forgo the details of my ridiculousness. Let's just say on a scale of 1-dumb of how poorly my decision making has been, I'm dancing dangerously close to retarded. Hence, my come to Jesus moment.

Ecclesiastes has always been one of my favorite books of the ol' Bible, so I spent a good portion of my Sunday reflecting on its words. The book emphasizes that life from the human perspective - without the grace of God - is empty. Power, prestige, popularity and pleasure cannot fill the void. Ah, so true. I got a whole mess of void that still needs some filling.

Luther on Ecclesiastes: While in the first book [Proverbs] Solomon teaches obedience in the face of mad lust and desire, so in this book he teaches that men are to be patient and steadfast in obedience, in the face of unpleasantness and temptation, and ever to wait out the brief hour in peace and joy. What they cannot keep or alter, they are to let go; it will all work out.

Always a fan of Luther's lucid deductions, I'm hoping it does in fact all work out. I need to take a step back and shift my priorities a bit. The little Cosmo quiz revealing my quest for pleasure was not too far off. Ha! Cosmo you're so smart, I won't make fun you anymore next month.

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. ~Ecclesiastes 2: 10-11

Ever notice how stupid decisions lead to even more foolish actions that eventually compound themselves into a hot mess of consequences you brought on yourself? I even saw this shit coming! (Probably shouldn't swear in a post riddled with Biblical connotations. I am seriously the poster child for lack of self control.) No excuses, which sucks because I love finding someone else to blame my problems on. You're off the hook this time DTabs!

This week is going to be a little bit different. Here's hoping at least.
  1. Attempt to refrain from jumping into situations that seem harmless enough, but could very well land you in jail or purgatory (if I believed in such a place).
  2. Actually consider others' feelings. Selfishness is not a pretty color on anyone, not even me.
  3. Take a moment to mull over the 5 minutes of fun you're about to have and how you will most definitely have more than 5 minutes of regret afterwards.
  4. Just don't go out in public.

These cryptic confessions are honestly not thaaat bad. I suppose that's left to ones own interpretation, but I didn't murder anyone, steal any babies, engage in any orgies, and I haven't taken to necrophagia or black magic. So that's gotta be worth something, right? Silver lining folks!

Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. ~Ecc. 12: 13-14

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Cos-NO, NO, NO-politan #2

Don't you hate it when you realize you've been singing the wrong lyrics to a song and wonder how many times you've exposed your deaf ear? DJ Khaled's "We Taken Over" apparently does not contain the phrase murder city attitude, rather one city at a time. Not even close, well played Khaled.

Anyway, I picked up this month's Cosmo because I was curious to know if "Stress is Turning You Into a Raging Bitch." Not to worry, they've provided some killer solutions. All I need to do in order to stimulate my "feel good hormones" is lock lips with someone, practice saying the word No, and skip the New Year's resolution. After all, that New Year's resolution really gets my cortisol raging. Phew, dodged a bullet there.

This month's anthology is filled with perfume ads from celebutards. I'm sorry Jessica Simpson, I'm sure your fragrance is lovely, but I have a hard time spritzing myself with Fancy Love and not feeling like a giant douche. Also, Mariah Carey's Forever ad is one of the creepiest photos I have ever seen. Sort of makes you want to buy that dangerous looking vile of kryptonite in hopes of supporting those afflicted with Bell's palsy.

Moving along, Turn a One-Night Stand Into an LTR (long term relationship for those of you who have not given up on complete English in lieu of Twitter/text/Facebook speak). The tag line - If you realize that Mr. In-Your-Bed-Right-Now could possibly be Mr. Right, you need to act fast! - is so sad on so many levels. It should read - If your slutty ass realizes that the lagoon creature in-your-bed-right-now could possibly be carrying various strains of VD, you need to get to a clinic fast! Seriously Cosmo? It's bad enough if you find yourself preparing for your sad walk of shame, let alone giving advice on how to draw it out. Little tip ladies, one-night stands don't usually lead to romance. You've already given up the goodies to a guy who was willing to sample the goodies before you've even learned one another's last names. Where exactly do you go from there?, do you like, have a job? Oh, I see you collect toenails...interesting. I don't normally do this ::nervous laughter:: I'm just gonna grab my scrunchy and head out. Byyyeeee.....

In the Man Manual under Guy Truth, I had one of my most urgent questions answered: Can I ask my guy what's going on in his head during sex? I mean c'mon, is this query really worthy of publication? Does anyone wonder if this is an appropriate activity during sex? The other question I've been dieing to have some light shed on: This guy I met only talks about sex. Is that all he wants from me? No honey, he's Dr. Ruth's apprentice, it's just research.

Let's see, I learned Why Love is Harder in Winter. Answer - you feel gross. Solution - adopt a puppy together! WTF? Do you get rid of the dog when the earth thaws and you're done feeling gross?

I've taken on a new obsession - I plan on compulsively analyzing the way men hug me. What I've gathered thus far is that the sneak attack, the rub, and the waist wrap = good. The pat = bad. Although there's an exception to the sneak attack. "If your man almost always hugs you from the back, that might mean he craves a closer connection but thinks you're unavailable." Agghhh! How does one remedy this?! The investigation continues...

The Need to Know section really tugs at your heart strings this month in a little composition entitled Why I Got Rid of My Fake Boobs. Spoiler alert! Everyone stared at them and didn't take her seriously. I did need to know that.

Finally, the Cosmo Quiz, Do You Get Enough Pleasure? brought on the startling revelation that I am the Queen of Temptation: You're at a 24/7 pleasure party...but there's more to life than caving in to every instafun (if we find a great lack of authors, editors, or English teachers in the future I'm blaming Cosmo) temptation. Try ignoring your buzz-kill radar and riding out tough times (um, no thanks. You're on my buzz-kill radar Cosmo) you'll attain a deeper level of pleasure. I don't like the insinuation behind this, makes me sound like a harlot.

So that's this month's Cosmo for ya. I've got to go find some pleasure now and start a hug journal.

Check out my inspiration for doing a dating promo below at Talkie Time. Love. This. Woman.

Monday, November 16, 2009

A blonde's take on genetics...riveting!

Webster's Dictionary defines patient as:

1. Capable of bearing affliction calmly. 2. Understanding: tolerant. 3. Persevering: constant. 4. Capable of bearing delay. Synonyms include: forbearing, long-suffering, resigned; adj. core meaning: enduring or capable of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint.

The only part of this definition that really resonated with me was the bit about long-suffering. Every year I expect to develop this little adult idiosyncrasy, but alas, it eludes me. In fact, my impatience appears to be blossoming. I want everything figured out and tucked neatly into place...yesterday. I absolutely abhor the phrase, "Just enjoy the ride!" I'm a roller coaster type girl. I enjoy the anticipation, inevitable stomach flip and abrupt ending. Onto the next! I don't have the attention span for the effen Tea Cups.

This is precisely the reason I'm not a huge fan of dating. When you meet someone you want to see naked connect with, it's difficult to muster Buddha's patience. I want to know what is wrong with you or why we will inevitably fail within a 3 date time frame. Is that too much to ask? When you dilly dally around playing nice, hoping to conceal the crazy, you're simply delaying the "it's not you, it's me" song and dance. Be honest! You're not going to change someone, so you might as well be upfront with your expectations. If you no longer want to see them naked connect, then you've wasted very little time, energy and emotional turmoil. Win-win!

Now I understand certain traits will not initially present themselves. Does your love interest harbor passive aggressive argument tactics? Horrible at karaoke? Suck at board or video games? Fart in their sleep? I suppose if you're still a passing interest to me, I can hold out long enough to discover some of these deal breakers. But not too long. I'm sort of an outta sight, outta mind person. I lose interest quickly (and by 'lose interest' I mean, forget that you exist) and don't enjoy the waiting around portion of dating. If I like you, I want to spend time with you. Now this attached-at-the-hip feeling is quite fleeting, but initially I do want to be near you, a lot. Whether we're physically together, or just talking on the phone, I need to know you're on the same page as I am. There is nothing worse than pursuing something that was never meant to be pursued.

After you finally get to know each other and evaluate the potential of spending more than the odd date here and there, then I'm as patient as Job. (Pick up a Bible if you don't understand that reference or know how to pronounce his name.) I like my life pretty much the way it is. I don't want a roommate or a Siamese twin. I want to spend time with someone because some activities are better as a dazzling duo. Video games (if you don't suck), tennis, walking 3 dogs, going out to eat, shooting darts and camping to name a few. Also, marriage and parenthood seem to work a little better with a partner, or so I've heard.

I certainly need to improve on my severely deficient patient gene (is that a gene? I'm gonna go with No on this one). I've probably passed up a few amazing experiences or people because of its absence. However, the one propitious aspect of this lack of patience is its undeniable filtering capabilities. I've been able to sift through a lot of nonsense, thus avoiding a lot of wasted time. Wasting time, now that's a gene I've housed in great abundance.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I feel I've been a bit melodramatic lately my friends, so I'm going to give you a break and regale you with some of my new "Matches."

[Yes, the above picture was found in Mr. Mary Lou Retten's profile. Aside from the impressive pose I can't help but admire those teal trunks.]

This 80's icon describes his education as "went to the tech school," and his "ideal girl will be fit and well kept." Well by golly, I better dust off my apron and put a little rouge on!

Not to sound off color here but this guy looked like a terrorist until I gave him that jazzy bow tie. Also, this picture is either photoshopped or yet another failed Glamour Shots project. His profile indicates he loves a sensitive woman with feminine ability. I am seeking a lady who is take care of me, and well spoken...finish my work at work and give my girl its time as my partner in life. I like to participate her in everything...even in problems we must think together how to solve. I am also friendly, amiable and lovely. Just in case I was onto something in my initial pre-bow tie assessment, I'm going to let you make your own conclusions here.

I have never laid claim to being a master of linguistics, but I was under the impression that the description "athletic and toned" did not encompass man boobs or a belly button stuck in the wink position. Apparently this dashing fella, who claims to be a writer, does in fact think "athletic and toned" incorporates these attributes. There's a hearty dose of yuck for ya.

Hooray, Superman thinks we're a Match!

As I'm certain you've concluded, my dating life is really starting to take off. When I check my account, at times I have to eyeball the browser to make sure I didn't accidentally access Fail Blog. Sad, really sad. Have a great day folks!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Pee Wee's School of Drivers Ed

Since my puppy has graciously allowed me some much needed rest I've been engaging in one of my favorite activities once again - pondering trivial dating ideals! In true Pee Wee Herman secret word of the day style, COUNTERPART (aggghhhh!) let's begin.
What do you do when you meet your counterpart (aggghhh!)? Maybe not necessarily lifestyle, socioeconomic status, or career counterpart (agggghhhh!....okay, I'm done), but personality wise. What happens when your life converges with someone else whom represents your equivalent in future expectations, approach to relationships and fundamental beliefs? Is this a recipe for disaster or success?

Everyone loves the idea that opposites attract. Truthfully, I think this is a comfortable explanation for why you ended up with someone you never pictured yourself stuck with. At the end of the day, too many divergent attributes leads to discord and frustration. What may seem charmingly offbeat in the beginning, eventually becomes arduous. Your differing opinions may provide exciting banter in the early stages when you're still trying to get laid devouring each others words, but you'll eventually succumb to the fact that the other person is a disparaging idiot. To reference Sex and the City, Miranda and Steve would NEVER work out in real life. Sure the charmingly dimwitted Steve would provide a little amusement for the domineering, Type A Miranda at first, but a real world Miranda would find this exhausting and obnoxious after awhile. What does Steve bring to the table? Unless you're an oppressive maneater who delights in subjugating a weaker species, this match is destined to fail. Polar opposite personalities may be intriguing, but lend themselves to future discord. It's alright to have contrasting viewpoints such as James Carville and Mary Matalin, but their seemingly paradoxical relationship works because essentially they're passionate about the same things, politics.

The idea that two people with completely different ideologies, familial status, financial security or basic intelligence could thrive as a couple is ludicrous. Certainly you may have some analogous qualities like the desire to eat and avoid fire but there needs to be some fundamental similarities in order to progress.

So back to my original thought, what do you do when you've met your match? Your COUNTERPART...aggghhh! Couldn't resist. Someone who is used to assuming a particular role in a relationship, a role typically reserved for your expertise. Does one half of the relationship compromise? If so, which half? As a rule I'd say I am usually the driving force behind a relationship. Meaning I dictate where it's going and how quickly we get there. I don't think I've necessarily aspired to be in the drivers seat, I just end up there as I'm hopelessly devoted to dating student drivers. Perhaps I could be willing to turn the keys over to someone who exhibits proper U-turns and parallel parking. The problem that remains is simply this. I'm not sure I'm ready to be chauffeured around. I like having some control over my relationships as I feel ever so confident that my charming disposition and scintillating repartee will keep my heart free from collision. Allowing someone else to take the reigns feels as if I'm taking off my seat belt after hitting 80 on the freeway. Perhaps we could try the driver's ed car, at least allowing myself a modicum of control if need be. It might be nice for a change to have someone else direct the route of a relationship. I suppose if it's not, I can always pull the emergency break.

Another teensy-weensy matter of contention with finding your dating counterpart is what course of action do you take to ensnare court them? I've grown accustom to pursuing men that think I'm the bees knees (whoa, shout out to the 1920's). Who doesn't want to surround themselves with people that are easily impressed through very little effort of your own? So upon finding my counterpart, one who is also inclined to cultivate relationships with eager admirers, which one of us becomes the groupie? I can just envision two closet narcissists on a date, waiting for the other to kowtow to ones majesty. Seems as if someones gotta budge or you're going to spend a lot of time pursing your lips and giving creepy sly winks in hopes of breaking down the other's barrier. this an exciting new challenge, or a Martha Stewart caliber recipe for utter disaster?

I suppose if the fawning never takes place but you both realize you're happy in each other's company it might be really fantastic. Who doesn't want to be with the adult equivalent of the prom king/queen? This of course based on the assumption you deem yourself worthy of such a prestigious title. I'm not one to quickly reveal my soft spot for certain attributes that make me swoon. Such attributes include: religious affiliation, height, good credit, mortgage toting preppies, and dog lovers. I'm also a sucker for anyone who is not completely appalled by my candor. Shhhh....let's remain a mystery.

Now if your counterpart doesn't exhibit some of the fundamental qualities that you need to feel secure, loved, or completely and hopelessly devoted to, then you're destined to fail. Simple as that. As much as I may be willing to attempt a supportive acting role in a relationship, I cannot compromise certain matter how dreamy you were on prom night.

If you happen to stumble across someone that parallels your every dating philosophy, don't run back to your pimply student driver just yet. Put yourself out there. Of course you run the risk of being completely put in your place with a hearty dose of humble pie, but it could be fun. The higher you aim the farther you may fall. However, if you do secure that diamond in the rough just imagine the sparkly future.

More disturbing Pee Wee's Playhouse videos below at Talkie Time!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Dear Hearing Impaired Bobbleheads, I bid you adieu. Sincerely, Rumpelstiltskin

Why don't men listen? Let me clarify, why don't men believe what I say unless it's exactly what they want to hear? In the past I think I confessed more to my journal than my actual partner but I've changed my ways! In fact, I've ventured to the opposite end of the communication spectrum and am lingering around brutal honesty. So why aren't things easier? Am I not using small enough words? Are my cleverly crafted phrases misinterpreted? Maybe I speak too softly? Perhaps I have a knack for dating the undiagnosed hearing impaired? I'm utterly baffled. It's as if I date bobbleheads. They nod their heads while I'm speaking, as if to convey the fact they are understanding what is coming out of my mouth but then are completely shocked when I follow through. For example - I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a serious relationship just yet. I don't want to commit until I'm certain I'm done playing the field. Why is this difficult to understand? When you stomp your feet, shake your little fist and purse your pouty lips because I denied you this exclusive relationship status, I can't help but think WTF is wrong with you? Did I not make myself clear before? I haven't changed my mind in a week! I think a lot of this bobbleheaded inattentiveness stems from complete denial. I'm not a girl whose mind is easily changed. Especially if you have not seriously engaged in ANY activity that would illicit your desired intentions for me. If I say I need space that means I need space until I tell you I don't need space. Not when you decide you're done giving it to me. If you can't abide by these rules than I guess I will bid you adieu.

This honest communication ruse I've attempted is about as effective as having my lips stapled shut. I might as well not even open my mouth as the words somehow get lost in translation, forever to linger in limbo. I naively believed my honesty would make dating progress more smoothly. If you lay your cards out on the table from the start, everyone has a clear picture of what's expected. However, if your honesty is not what your partner wants to hear, I guess it might as well not be said. Sure you can feel good about yourself but really what have you gained? This works both ways. I want to know your expectations as well as your limitations. If I can't deal with them then again, I will bid you adieu. This is not difficult! Believe what I say, because I WILL follow through. Stop casting me as the villain in every scenario.

I do not aspire to speak in riddle like the dastardly dwarf, Rumpelstiltskin. Perhaps I should provide cliff notes for all of our conversations, so you can quickly review what we've discussed. Confusion averted! I'm sure this wouldn't even work, as not all written word is believed to be the Truth (the Bible, ahem). Anyway, from this point forward I'm done feeling guilty, I'm done second guessing my vernacular, I'm done coddling your feelings. I will be fair and I will be honest with you. I expect the same in return. It's not a matter of protecting ones feelings, it's about understanding eachother in order to avoid hurt feelings. Relationships are difficult enough without the added headache of misinterpretation or complete denial.

One final point - don't pretend you care so much about me when you can't even respect me enough to listen. Don't pretend you want our relationship to work when you ignore what I'm telling you I need to make it work. Don't pretend you're the bigger person because you're ready and I'm not.

Rumpelstiltskin, out...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Age ain't nothing but a number

...according to the late Aaliyah. To those who date outside their socially acceptable age group I'm sure these lyrics are inspiring. However, at what gap does romance start to become creepy? I've typically dated men 2-3 years older than me. As my love life began stagnating, I thought I'd expand my pool of eligible bachelors to the 24-35 bracket. Most women adhere to the notion that men mature more slowly so it's imperative to seek the older, more cultivated renaissance man. There's some merit to this when you're in your 20's because frat boys and recent college grads are just getting over their awkward growing pains. Being of course, the uncontrollable urge to comment or stare at breasts, thinking posters are an acceptable form of decor, affection towards Hooters hooters cuisine, and of course NARBs. I don't think the age matters so much as does the point you are at in your life. When you're 37 and your spouse is 48, does the age gap really matter? Of course if you're 15 and your boyfriend is a senior in college, there's bound to be some (legal) issues.

The youngest I've dated was about 3 years my junior, oldest would have to be 13 years my senior. Most of the women I know tend to stick in one specific age bracket. Whether they prefer the young, nubile stud or the seasoned gentlemen, there is usually very little deviation. Since my dating life has been pretty much a crap shoot, I thought I'd buck tradition and dabble in all brackets. Okay, minus pubescent jail bait and septuagenarians. Based on my rigorous testing methods (that being, try anything once) and precise analysis of my importunate research, here are the results.

The appealing aspects of younger men are as follows: they're eager to please, probably have not sustained too much emotional damage yet, and have loads of potential. Get him at just the right point in his life and he'll be an eager apprentice waiting for you to mold and guide him. I've attempted this route and although it's nice to be a part of someone coming into their own, it's also exhausting. You spend lots of time feeling like his mommy and I think we've already established I'm not exactly the maternal type. In his defense, the young guy is usually game for anything, doesn't have a lot of responsibilities tying him down (nice way of saying McDonald's cashier), and is unsure of what women want so he's willing to try anything to make you happy. He's also more apt to being impressed by things such as checking accounts, owning your own car or home, and if you can cook his favorite meal just like mom does. Young men are refreshingly easy to be around as they're always in search of the next adventure or slightly amusing activity. No pretension or underlying motives, they're simply happy to be with you for that moment. These are the guys that seem the most exciting to marry initially because you envision a life of carefree shenanigans that will keep you young and vibrant for years to come. The reality is that at some point they will grow up and become just as boring as you.

Moving along to men my own age. Problem with these fellas is that they're usually looking to get married and start families because that's what all their buddies are doing. They are also beginning to establish their careers. This is great if their career interests, inspires or impresses you. If not, then you can't very well expect them to change at this point. These men have begun to feel the pressures of adulthood and it shows. Commiserating about jobs, relationships and money are the new talking points at happy hour. Sure I relate to this age group on most levels, but the things I consider "issues" in my life are generally quite different and I don't like to wear my flaws on my sleeve anyhow. It's depressing and boring. No one has any meaningful advice or answers to alleviate these new grown up responsibilities so what's the point of discussing them? I believe most of these men prefer avoiding any sort of investigation into the root cause or possible solutions, because what would they have to discuss on a Friday night? Long gone are the days of college parties and hooking up with everyone you meet to inspire conversation. No more springbreak vacations or plans for the future. So what's left to talk about? How about pick up a freakin' newspaper! Sometimes it's interesting to discuss things outside of your own little bubble. There's a lot going on in the world and if you can believe it, most of it is happening outside of the greater Milwaukee area. So you see, this age group has grown somewhat tiresome for me. Call me a traitor, facts are facts.

Finally, the trickiest of all age groups - older men. To clarify, I'm considering 10+ years my senior the "older man." Here's where things get a bit dicey. For starters, I'm in the prime "cheat on your wife" age group for older men. All the tawdry tales of middle aged men diddling their 20-something year old secretaries, yep these are my peers. By societal standards, older men are simply in pursuit of the next hot young thing that makes them feel virile. After all, what could you possibly have in common? I'm not a fan of this stereotype because a) I'd like to believe I have more than a wrinkle free face and non-drooping boobies - maybe not making a great case for my maturity by utilizing terms such as boobies, eh - to offer an older man, b) maybe they still want children and mother nature can be a real bitch when it comes to women and their reproductive time frame, we're talking pure science people, human longevity and the survival of the species...riiight... and c) men unfortunately tend to age more gracefully than women and often feel years younger than their drivers license would have you believe. 20-something year olds have a different mindset when it comes to their "problems" and relationships compared to older women. This can be good or bad, depending on what you're willing to put up with. Our issues deal more with superficial desires and are easily appeased by a supportive partner whom rivals their mom in the pick-me-up speech department. We're still rather idealistic and don't cling to past wrongs so moving forward is usually pretty painless. No offense to older women, but you tend to get a little bitter especially if you're still single and no one likes a spiritless spinster (bonus points for alliteration!).

Most younger women are easily seduced by the maturity and apparent stability of older men. However, you must compete with their set ways and may indeed find yourself taking a backseat to their needs. You have to wonder whether or not they take you seriously or simply humor you because you titillate their dusty parts. DTabs made a valid point the other day. She said older men are appealing to younger women because they have what we long for. That sense of self and their place in the world. As we struggle to figure out who we are to become and what path will take us there, these men seduce us with their stoic confidence. Yet one day (similar to the young men growing up to be your boring counterpart) we'll figure it out and find our own sense of calm and purpose. So where does that leave our unwavering rock of an older man who no longer impresses us with his assuredness? Just old I guess.

So there you have it - men come in all different packages at any age. That revelation was free of charge my friends. Some of the old may be the most juvenile, whereas some of the young may be years ahead of themselves. Each individual is different in their needs and expectations. So basically, yet another dating cliffhanger. I swear at some point I will provide you with a valid lesson of some sort. Okay, definitely maybe not but at least you know I'll vouch for you if you find yourself dating anywhere along the creepy age gap continuum.