Friday, June 19, 2009

Cos-NO, NO, NO-politan

As I sit here waiting for the rain to stop, mindlessly flipping through this month's Cosmo magazine, I'm noticing a common theme: really stupid, "get noticed," look like a nutcase advice. Don't get me wrong, every human being with a vagina has felt at some point or another that Cosmo, the 'Bible,' has had a few poignant moments of clarity, but seriously? Do girls need more reasons to feel insecure about their appearance? More tips on how to please their guy? More trivial things to obsess about? Newly single myself, I confess I'm more intrigued by Cosmo's articles than when I was in a serious relationship. After years with the same man, one no longer feels compelled to dress like a school girl, work on her oral technique or try out the new flying lotus sex position. (Perhaps why I'm now single?) So with an open mind, I devoured the articles with a new sense of vigor, just waiting to find that perfect, fool-proof, "a-ha" piece of dating advice to help me navigate through this new stage of life. Sadly, my "a-ha" moment came in the form of "WTF kind of advice is this to give to an already confused single gal?" Let me highlight some of the articles I found particularly unhelpful. In fact, one might say they are monumentally detrimental to finding a guy, let alone keeping one interested. Particularly in the "Man Manual." For example: the titillating "What kind of smile is he flashing?" article. As if girls don't obsess enough over a guy's 'signals,' why torment yourself one step further by worrying about whether or not his smile is "polite, contemptuous, or sensitive?" If you're with a guy and staring intensely at his mouth aren't YOU sending the signal that your either a lusty lunatic or perhaps hearing impaired? Then there's the "Hold your guy's gaze" Turn-On Tip. Instructions: Mid-kiss, pull back and penetratingly stare into his eyes to convey passion, intimacy and more importantly, stalker-ish obsession. If a guy did this to me, I would find it creepy and obtrusive. Just finish kissing me, then we'll gaze menacingly into eachother's eyes. My favorite tip in "Feel So Freakin' Sexy," while watching a movie (by yourself or with a guy) involving a sexy actress, strip down to your underwear. This is somehow suppose to boost your ego and put you in a sexy mood? WTF? Who sits in their underwear watching movies trying to feel sexy unless they're watching a porno or just really weird? Finally, 4 pages of "What He's Really Thinking" to give a girl lucky enough to have found someone to put up with her brand of crazy, a surefire way to screw it all up. You can take 1 of 3 life altering quizzes, or really get ahead of yourself and do all of them, ensuring that you will take your relationship from "yeah, we're happily dating" to "why did he take a restraining order out on me?" Given the fact there's 2 possible answers per question, one should deduce that the results may be slightly biased. Here's what I've deduced - Cosmo gives you the perfect advice on how to ruin your self-esteem, thus ensuring you'll buy more magazines for the beauty and fashion tips; perfect advice on how to over analyze and potentially ruin your relationship (or chances of ever being in a relationship) because you're obsessive and insecure, thus ensuring you'll buy more magazines for the Man Manuals and Love & Lust sections. No wonder so many of the women I know are neurotic messes...including this gal. Marketing at its best!

Best of the 100 Naughty Sex Questions #100 - What does being inside me feel like for him? Stick your finger in your mouth and suck and you'll get an idea....you know you're going to do this regardless how stupid and inaccurate this may be. Food for thought - what does this mean if you're a thumbsucker as a child?

1 comment:

  1. I sat in my underwear for the entire length of Failure to Launch. I don't think I could of got thru it without being almost naked and eating a giant lollipop

    ReplyDelete