The Blame Game: Your mom is ALWAYS a winner!

"People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it...You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it...If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments." [Excerpt from "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - fantastic book if you've just come out of a relationship or need a little perspective on life.]

I am happy. Not shout it from the rooftops happy, but really truly happy...for the time being (I have never been accused of optimism). Maybe content is a better word, but my contentment has inexplicably forced me to be happy. A few years ago contentment was equivalent to mind-numbing boredom and something I desperately needed to escape from. However, this new found sense of contentment is born through a general feeling of peace. It's like waking up in a panic only to find out you've got at least another hour to sleep before the alarm assaults your dreams. I'm not happy because of any particular person or occurrence in my life recently, rather simply because I've chosen to be happy. I think that's the first monumental step, as trivial as it may seem. For the past 2 years I have chosen to be anxious, disappointed, hurt, bitter, filled with regret. I recall many nights spent feeling sorry for myself and thoroughly enjoying my own personal pity party. Everyone else hurt or misunderstood me, but I could always rely upon myself for sympathy and a relentless barrage of "poor me's." To anyone who has gone through a similar state of malaise, you can understand how absolutely draining and utterly unproductive your life becomes.

Case in point, my journal entry from June 2008: Have yet to post my resume (this was at a time when I was still pretending to look for a "real" job). Looking for jobs apparently interferes with my 5 hour naps. I'm a ridiculous person. Could this be re-worded to sound like an accomplishment? "Able to completely shun duty and responsibility to take coma type naps in the middle of the week for no reason and without hesitation." That proves commitment and courage I think. I wish being a waste of space was profitable.

July 2008: Another monumentally unproductive day. My life is seriously slipping away. Each day that passes is another missed opportunity, neglected relationship and major setback. I can't seem to find the motivation or courage to change things. I'm lonely, bored, and wholly unsatisfied with my plot in life, yet I make no progress towards change as each hour passes by. I'll lose myself in a book just trying to expire the day. I know what needs to be done or accomplished by something's holding me back. Fear? Laziness? I can't tell but the outcome is always the same. Laying my head down at night knowing I've survived yet another day, fearful of the next, disappointed in everything.

Ever since the 5th grade I have filled hundreds of pages in numerous journals, but not until the past couple years did I really notice this trend of self-loathing and pity. For those of you who don't journal, I encourage you to start. It's an amazing way to gain clarity of oneself and see how far you've come (or perhaps, in my case, where things started to fall apart). After what would have been my one year wedding anniversary I decided to engage in a little self-torture (huge fan of this activity; think watching the Notebook or Braveheart when you're emotionally unstable) and read through some of my old journals. What I discovered was shocking...in a good way. It made me realize that the majority of my unhappiness was due largely to no one's fault but my own. I think for awhile I actually enjoyed being miserable. However, this pursuit of perpetual anxiety and distress eventually cripples every facet of your life. A quote from Mark Twain that I love, "I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened," sums up my habitual melancholy beautifully. All of the perceived injustices from those around me promoted and reaffirmed my piteous thoughts and actions. My epiphany finally came when I realized no one else gave a shit. I was too busy tormenting myself, feeling as if I were some sort of target, that I failed to realize no one else was giving me a second thought. My narcissism was in full tilt. You mean to tell me, no one is conspiring to ruin my day? No one soul is concerned with my current state of being? Gasp! I'm embarrassed to admit it now, but I believe it helps paint a more vivid picture of why this new found happiness is such a relief.

I'm a huge fan of the Blame Game. I have an uncanny ability of finding reasons why my inadequacies are not my fault. Usually the winner of the Blame Game is my mother. In sort of a sadistic, albeit juvenile thought process, I can turn any situation into a "mom screwed me up" conclusion. For example, why did I go 3 years without health insurance? Mom never taught me how to get it. Why do I despise working out? Mom didn't set a good example with her own fitness routine, nor renewed my gym membership. You see how easy this game is.

I'm happy right now because I choose to take responsibility for my happiness. I choose to stop blaming everyone else for things that may upset me because I'm the only one who can control my reactions. When you realize that happiness is something attainable for all, yet fleeting as warm weather in Wisconsin, you learn to embrace it and fight to keep it. You need to remind yourself daily to stop feeling badly about the things you can't control and take ownership for the things you can. It is your choice on how to regard the circumstances of your life. Execrable existence or opportunity for growth?