"They say that breaking up is hard to do"

Ah, the Carpenters and their melodramatic lyrics. "You tell me that you're leaving, I can't believe it's true. Darlin' there's no living without you...Don't take your love away from me, don't you leave my heart in misery. Cause if you go then I'll be blue. Cause breakin' up is hard to do..." Lamenting over love lost in a melodic soft rock groove can soothe any broken heart, or so the Carpenters' Grammy shelf would have you believe. Personally, I find myself downloading more upbeat 'suck it' tunes.

Now, some of my friends have ended their relationships (long term relationships in some cases) and seem to bounce back effortlessly. I admire their resilience as well as their ability to move quickly onto the next phase, broken heart be damned! My nosey, inner anthropologist forces my curiosity and I insist they tell me - what is your secret! How do you go from being deliriously in love to 'ah, it wasn't working so I called it quits' in a matter of moments? Most frequently the response has been - I knew it had been over for quite some time, I just didn't want to call it off right away because I didn't want to hurt him/her. (or) I thought we could work things out but [insert partner's shortcomings] so I knew it was over. - I have thoughts on both of these scenarios.

The first, knew it had been over/didn't want to hurt them strikes me as somewhat selfish. Is it not more hurtful to find out that the person you've been 'in love' with has been feeling nothing towards you for quite some time? So when they finally do decide to leave your oblivious ass without so much as a tear, aren't you left dumbfounded and hurt by the fact that you didn't even get a chance to fix things? I have indeed been guilty of this. It's easy to check out of a relationship while you're still in it, so that by the time something better comes along parting is effortless. This is probably cruel and cowardly, but happens quite frequently nonetheless. There are two people in a relationship and both of them should be aware their relationship's health and status. It's so much easier to say than do this - I'm such a hypocrite, ha! On the other hand, I've got to believe that no one is so ignorant that they didn't truly see it coming. There's usually at least a few subtle signs. Dwindling or routine sex. Poor communication. And the biggest sign - minimal arguing. When you stop having disagreements or fighting, only a fool would believe it is due to your maturing love. I believe arguments are a key indicator that you still care about growing and learning from one another.

The second break up scenario - tried to work on things, partner failed. I am also guilty of this. When you convince yourself that you've tried everything in your power to make your relationship work and yet it still remains miserable it can only mean one thing, your significant other is a lazy schmuck. Right? Let's be honest, did you really do everything or anything differently? Did you really commit to change? Did you really attempt to right your own personal wrongs? I doubt it. I know I liked the idea of changing and fixing things, but I didn't exactly tackle my own shortcomings first. It's easy to point the finger, easy to blame someone else for either your deficiencies or the sad state of your relationship. Sometimes a relationship has just simply run its course. Not necessarily anyones fault and that's okay. Relationships are hard. We all know this. But when your relationship becomes so difficult for so long that you forget why exactly you fell in love with eachother in the first place, it's time to re-evaluate what it is you're working so hard for and whether it is in fact worth it.

For a long time I believed that I was the type of girl to fall in love quickly. Now I realize I just wanted to believe I was 'in love,' projecting all those mushy relationship feelings onto some poor sap when the moment suited me. When I finally became cognizant of this false relationship and all of its shortcomings, I had no trouble terminating our 'love.' When it takes roughly a week to get over someone, I've got to believe you were never really that enamored to begin with. I became painfully aware of my inability to let go or get over someone after my last relationship. I'd say I spent a good year and a half mourning the loss. I realize now that I let my disappointment and fear hold me back for far longer than was really necessary, but I needed time to grieve. It wasn't merely the thought of losing my best friend, but losing my future plans that scared me the most. I had everything mapped out and suddenly it was as if someone destroyed the only blueprint of my future, leaving me to frantically search for the memory of what I had so long been striving for. Alas, my recollection eluded me and ultimately forced my hand - we were done. There's no governing rule or standard by which we cope with the loss of a relationship. No right way to grieve, no wrong way to proceed. If you need a day or a week or even months to feel miserable, go right ahead! If you need to cry or scream, let it out! No sense holding back or hiding, you deserve to feel or not feel anything. I'm not embarrassed that it took me so long to let go. Honestly, I probably haven't yet completed this whole moving on phase. Some days are better than others. I'm emotional, I'm overly analytical, I'm neurotic, hell - I'm a woman! It's probably not fair to bring someone new into my life at the moment but I'm trying to keep an open heart. I don't want to miss out on something that could be amazing simply because I'm clinging to some ridiculous notion that I'll 'be ready,' just not yet. I'm not going to wake up to a 'vision' showing me that anything's changed, encouraging me to put myself out there. Although this would be ideal, I tested my Spock intuition recently and found it to be non-existent. Guess I'll have to go the old fashioned route and join Match.com.