Monday, July 6, 2009

A "Lesson" on letting go...

We're suppose to think fondly upon our previous relationships as great lessons in life and love. But what happens when your 'lessons' are simply reminders of how foolish you were or how much time you wasted? What is the value in that? Everyone likes to think that when one relationship ends, you can chalk it up to a great learning experience. You've grown, matured, somehow this person who no longer is suppose to matter really helped you discover yourself? Not sure I buy this. On some level we do learn new things from our past relationships. For instance, I learned that a man who invites you to random locations, doesn't really let you into his life, and seems to disappear for lengthy periods of time is not sexy and mysterious. Rather, he may just have a girlfriend (with a child) he's stashed away for 2 years. That was a really valuable lesson. Huh? I suppose I could hire private investigators and stalk someone in order to better 'understand' them and make sure they don't necessarily have a back up gal waiting in the wings, but how exactly is this a feasible solution to my lesson learned? Another little gem - when a man consistently tells you to "not think so much" it is not because he's concerned for your cognitive health but rather, he is an idiot and you're using too many big words and/or ideas. Again, I'm pretty sure I'm always going to continue to think, probably a lot. Perhaps the day I decide to relinquish my "thinking so much" faculties and pursue a life of button collecting I will find my perfect man? Me haves doubts.

So I find myself wondering whether these "lessons" do more harm than they're worth? Personally, my previous relationship woes did not lend themselves to a triumphant epiphany or life altering course of action. They were constant admonitions of my short-sightedness and willingness to abdicate my self-respect. Why then would I hold on to these "lessons?" We are fallible creatures, destined to repeat our mistakes. It's just the natural course of growing up. I'd like to believe that past relationships are in the past for a reason. Something was amiss. Someone didn't quite fit the bill. Somewhere you lost your way. I'm not saying that it's even feasible to completely disregard your previous relationships, but it's detrimental to hold onto them. If you want to move forward, you've got to let go.

I constantly find myself comparing potential boyfriends to ghosts of the past. Badgering details out of them concerning their previous girlfriends. Why? Is it because I'm looking for clues that this will turn out like our anterior affairs? Relationships are dynamic. By their very nature they are not easily replicated. Whether or not your new 'love' is a polar opposite of the previous, your situation is different. Your pasts are different. When trying to compare the new to the old or remember the cautionary lessons you've learned, you're inherently compromising your chance for growth with this person. I'm no Matlock, I misread clues and overlook obvious plot twists on a frighteningly regular basis. At some point you've got to let your past go. Forget the "lessons" you've supposedly gleaned from the experience. They should be regarded simply as reminders of how far you've come. Not everyone is meant to teach you something. Not everyone is capable of shaping your future.

Embrace the pragmatic effects of your relationships. Don't dwell on the "lessons" you've learned in the past because your future relationships will never perfectly resemble one another. Be happy you've moved on or at least found yourself in a place where you're strong enough to begin moving forward. Holding onto your "lessons" only empowers your past faults. Start with a clean slate, keep your heart open and expect nothing less in return.

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