Monday, July 20, 2009

Footless belly socks, jorts and CK one

Things that annoy the shit out of me (in no particular order):
  • Girls that wear footless belly socks (more commonly known as tube tops) to Milwaukee bars any time between August-June. We live in Wisconsin. It is not warm here, ever. The lukewarm summer months do not support this tube top nonsense either seeing as it's still not warm at bar time. How about we just retire the tube tops ladies, indefinitely. MTV's beach party will not be filming your scantily clad ass in the Mid-West any time soon.
  • When relationships end and one party vehemently adheres to the notion that the other must be sleeping with someone else. If you can only justify your relationship ending due to the fact you dated a sloot maybe you should redirect your anger at something more productive, like synchronized swimming or armed robbery.
  • My weirdo neighbor who I think silently engages in a staring contest when I get trapped in the elevator with him.
  • Animal print clothing or accessories, especially in unnatural hues such as electric blue and tennis ball green.
  • When I meet a guy who asks my sign then leans back and sighs, "Ahhh...I could tell you were a Leo right away. You're so...blippity bloppity bloopy blah." I stop listening because anyone who follows astrology and feels compelled to chalk my entire personality up to a weird little squiggly sign is not getting anywhere near my little Leo.
  • Guys who wear long white athletic socks with any type of footwear if pants are not hiding them. This means no long white sock/sandal/cargo shorts combo unless girlfriend-less dork is your fashion statement. Exception obviously would be athletic shorts, but I still think ankle socks are the way to go. Just reminds me of my crazy old neighbor growing up who wore his socks jacked to his knees slipped into some open-toed sandals, while wearing boxers and a wife beater roaming his 20 square foot yard on the walk to elementary school. So creepy.
  • When people bike down the middle of the road thus, holding up traffic. There is no way you can pedal faster than my car, get on the effen sidewalk!
  • Any stranger who asks for money without providing a service. I will not give you a dollar unless you entertain in one of the following ways: musical instrument such as rusty trombone or stringless guitar, on the spot improv, awkward mime antics or lyrical dance would suffice.
  • Men who own homemade jorts (jean shorts) especially when showcased in a beach setting.
  • Confessions of infidelity. You know in advance what their reaction will be, so what has your confession gained? Is it so that you can walk away saying you have been honest? Is that really what you have been? You should know better and I don't want to hear about how your "honesty" did not set your dumbass free.
  • People who use the phrase, "It must be nice." You sound like a jealous, bitter idiot.
  • The following smells: CK one, vanilla candles, marijuana, my ninja turtle shoes and Buffalo Wild Wings Indian diaper sauce.
  • Taylor Swift's squinty eyes and scrunchy face.
  • Guys who order wine at sports bars.
  • Having to pay all my mortgages in a timely fashion and for the full amount. Sometimes I just don't feel like it, alright WSBank? Love it when they deliver the statements and give me 8 minutes to send payment before I get late fees. Slick guys, real slick.
  • Getting a new Chanel face compact and promptly dropping it, shattering the powder into a fine dust then watching my $60 product blow away.
  • Finding out your house guest used your expensive face lotion as body lotion. Can you really not read and do you really think I purchase body lotion in 1-oz quantities?
  • When people karaoke to slow songs or romantic ballads as if there's a record label exec in the audience scouting for talent.
  • Hitting my head on all the cabinet doors I leave open, then wondering a) do I have a concussion or open flesh wound, and b) why was I moving with such lightening speed vigor?
  • Men who offer to spot or assist me at the gym. As if I can't manage to control my burdensome 15 lb weight. Also, unless I'm attempting one armed push up's precariously on the stairmaster, keep your unsolicited advice and work out tips to yourself.

2 comments:

  1. "Taylor Swift's squinty eyes and scrunchy face"

    Am I sensing some jealousy?

    You forgot to add fat girls that think they are hot. That's the worst.

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  2. No you forgot to add fat girls that are hot trying to spot for you at the gym.

    Oh and sorry for using your face lotion as back cream. I wanted to rid myself of unsightly blemishes that might confuse the ladies who like to stare at my thick mane of back hair.

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