Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My puppy eats electricity

Currently I'm up to my eyeballs in Christmas decorations. This little project started on Friday. I have the tendency to unpack all of my festive doodads and stare at them until inspiration strikes as to where they'd like to reside for the holidays. Apparently every counter top and table is on their list of places to hang until further notice. Wrestling garland and extracting glittery pine cones from a tenacious puppy is really getting me in the holly jolly spirit as well. I think Judge wants light bulbs most of all for Christmas. The fact that I will be listing my condo soon has become sort of a running joke (in my head at least). Is cluster fuck a new kitschy mode of decor? Because I've got it, and then some.

Anyway, things are looking up lately. Perhaps it's the perpetual Christmas music, cheesy Kay Jeweler's commercials, or sorting through my holiday decorations, but I'm feeling pretty content. Is my life sort of dancing between limbo and complete chaos still? Of course. But I think that is becoming the norm and I'm quite adaptable. After my come to Jesus moment I feel a new sense of peace. Life is not an emergency. I'm in good health, I've got a roof over my head, candy in my belly, and I think my puppy's brain is actually beginning to develop. Normally I'm not content with good, always striving for great, but I think I'll let this one ride for awhile.

I feel like God's testing my current serenity with little glimpses of things that might send me back into my typically neurotic state. For example, I was looking through a friend's photos on Facebook and stumbled across an ex...on his wedding day. My reaction? I smiled. I'm happy for him. The fact that his bride looked like a Barbie doll could have easily sent me into a tailspin, but my friends I'm still standing. Now I realize this may not seem like a big deal for the average guy or gal, but for me the relentless cynic, it's huge. It's also huge because I finally get what "letting go" is all about. The selfish internal part of me (that would never admit this) always wishes that whomever I've dated will fall into despair, move to Tibet, and renounce all women after me. Seeing as this has yet to happen, I figured I better grow up and start being a bit more positive.

Back to my "letting go" epiphany. As I was putting up my Christmas decorations I was dusting off some picture frames of my ex-fiance. Why do I still have them all over the place? Not for nostalgia's sake, it's far more practical and uninteresting than that. I didn't feel like taking the time to have new pictures enlarged and subsequently placed in the frames. At first I ignored the pictures (the pain, the horror, gasp!) but after awhile I sort of stopped noticing them all together. See, adaptable. As I was dusting a frame of my ex and I on our first homecoming (junior year of high school!) together I couldn't help but smile. We were so young. I didn't look at it with regret or sadness. We were just kids, with a whole lot ahead of us, and most of it we would do together. At some point things changed. Things always change. Not good, not bad, just different. I grew up with my ex, he was one of my best friends, and he'll always be in my heart. Right now we're not speaking to one another and it's probably for the best. Will we ever be friends again? It's hard to say, but I hope so.

He made a good point awhile back. He said that the only time I really reached out to him was when I was stressed or lonely, and he was right. He had been my sense of calm for so long, it was difficult not having him to lean on. I admit it. But isn't that what friends do? Apparently we're both on a different "friend" page, so I suppose it's not fair to him. It took me awhile, but I've managed to resist my urge to call him when I'm having a bad day. I'm a big girl, I guess I had to learn how to bottle up my emotions and shove down my problems in an unhealthy manner like every other adult sooner or later.

I think it's probably time to take the pictures down though. My life is moving forward. Plus, it's awkward explaining them to my ahem, guests. The truth is, the ex will always be a part of my life, whether he's physically in it or not. That's what happens after a decade of interactions I suppose. I guess what feels really amazing right now, is that I can think back on our relationship and smile. Just smile. Would I change a few things here and there, sure. However, everything that happened led us to where we are now and I think this is exactly where we're suppose to be. I think the hardest part of letting go is the fear of what will take it's place. There's an inevitable void. I think I've been too adamant about attempting to fill that void before I actually tried to co-exist with it. Maybe some things are not meant to be replaced. Maybe that little hole is suppose to stay empty.
Wow, this got a little too introspective. I'm gonna lighten the load for ya, with some pictures of my naughty and supremely ridiculous puppy, Judge.

He just got his ears cropped. Hopefully we'll be done with this nonsense soon. Such a pain in the ass. Judge is currently tipping the scales near 30lbs. I think 20 of it is hiding in his front paws. I can't tell you how many mornings I have to check the mirror for a black eye. He slaps me around a bit. I suppose I probably have it coming. Hehe...

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