Voodoo Dating

So I'm officially a dork. The jury has been debating this conclusion, but the verdict is now in. I am indeed a dork. Why? I signed up for eHarmony...no joke. Let me explain. I don't particularly enjoy meeting men at bars, it's tacky and doesn't lead to an interesting, "how I met your mother" scenario. I don't enjoy being set up on blind dates because they're awful and make me wish I were literally blind. I also don't enjoy meeting men on trips because I've realized I'm quite lazy when it comes to making an honest effort. So where does this leave me? eHarmony! To be honest I started poking around these dating sites out of morbid curiosity after having numerous friends vouch for these webby cesspools of men. Most of them you can search for free which is highly entertaining and I completely recommend doing if you're bored. Most of the profiles are hilarious and you'd be shocked to see some of the photos people actually post. One such photo was a dude carving a pumpkin with a serial killer smirk on his face. Super creepy. Also, I was amazed to see how many men are "easy going, don't like drama, like to have fun." How original. No matter how cute you are or what your job may be, if you put generic lame ass descriptions about yourself I would never poke, nudge, wink at, or whatever these sites utilize for garnering attention.

Now the difference between eHarmony and Match.com is that eHarmony pretends its magical personality profile matching voodoo questionnaire is somehow going to find you the love of your life because you've both managed to answer a bunch of silly questions similarly. Match.com on the other hand, does not really care about your personality or interests, rather your location and looks. The site allows you to custom order a man of your choosing and then bombards you with a bunch of selections that don't remotely relate to your search. eHarmony is more like the Democratic party that feels you are unqualified at finding your mate, thus takes away your ability to search for them on your own and tells you who your match is. So far I think the men on eHarmony tend to be a little more clever or serious, whereas Match.com seems like a booty call pimp page. I ended up subscribing to eHarmony for 3 months because they don't allow you to look at photos or chat with potential stalkers soul mates without a monetary commitment. Since I'm impulsive and have very skewed judgement when spending my money (I justified the subscription fee by silently negotiating a no new shoes/cheaper wine for the next few months deal), I thought what the hell. I have no expectations, I couldn't care less if I don't find "the one," and I'm happy to join yet another stigmatized group of singles. Hooray. If I make a friend, great. If I have a few laughs, better yet. If eHarmony makes a commercial about me and my "dating since September 2009" match, super!

So far I'm having serious doubts about Dr. Neil Clark Warren's patented Compatibility Matching System and its accuracy. For starters, Dr. Warren has found 5 men that I would never remotely be interested in. I thought we were suppose to match on 29 cosmic dimensions? Based on my "matches," the only dimension we are compatible on is gender. Why am I getting profiles of 5'8" balding 34 year old entrepreneurs? Apparently my questionnaire did not take me seriously when I said I valued looks. I don't care if that sounds shallow, it's simply a preference of mine. (To be fair, I do read the profiles before I look at the pictures.) I'm "communicating" with a couple of them out of curiosity and just trying to figure out how the system works. By "communicating" I mean we send each other pre-written questions and answers, do a little multiple choice selecting and wah-la, deep communication on probably 17 dimensions (so stupid). Also the profile questions get really personal, like - things I'm thankful for - surprising how many men are thankful for family, friends and their job. Boooring. I want to be matched with someone who is thankful for "So You Think You Can Dance" starting earlier this season, babies who don't cry or poop on planes, mad Guitar Hero skills, regular bowel movements or fancy cheese. Everyone is so uninspired. How are you expected to find anyone interesting if everyone puts the same freakin' answers that sound good? My answers sound pretty scary and uninviting but we'll see if Dr. Dubs and I can't shake things up a bit.

So there you have it. I'm a dork. I'm looking for a cosmic voodoo love connection based on irrelevant criteria and having a few chuckles while doing it.