"Winks" from weirdos

[One of my potential suitors. At least he's got pretty baby blues and has an eye for photography. Who doesn't look great with a dartboard backdrop?]

As previously mentioned, my favorite aspect of Match.com is its search engine. You simply type in a word and hundreds of eligible bachelors appear. For example, I've searched for: physician, chef, engineer, chemist, pharmacist, military, Italian Greyhound and psycho. I've gotten hits on all of these, including psycho. Just the mere mention of the term in your profile sets you in my sights. The downfall of this little stalking adventure is that paying members can check to see who has viewed their profile. This in turn gives the wrong idea to anyone whom I've casually clicked on. Then we go down the awkward road of, "Uh geez, I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's and my hands flailed about, accidentally clicking on you. No I'm not judging you because you've got 4 kids and you're only 25. Don't be silly." To any woman who has joined or plans to join, be forewarned - DO NOT impulsively click on random profiles. Your email inbox will be bursting at the seams with "winks" and provocative emails like, "Saw you checked out my profile. Did you likey? Call me 1-800-PEDIPHILE." Alright, I'll admit I changed the number to keep my Match's anonymity.

I've also informed my family about this new prowling for men via cyberspace hobby of mine. Aunt D is convinced I'm going to find an obsessive lunatic. I informed her that's what restraining orders are for. She also notified me that most of these men are probably married. (Do you see where I get my optimistic outlook on life now?) I'm not entirely sure how to determine whether or not someone is in fact married (unless they pick me up for a date in their mini van cluttered with child paraphernalia), so I'm going to trust them at their word. Along the obsessive lunatic lines, I've already enlisted the help of a self defense guru. I highly recommend you do the same.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6uESVttFKc

My other fail-safe dating technique is to only pursue men smaller than me. If we decide to throw down, I'll always have my number one ninja move. That being my palm to your forehead, keeping you just far enough away to comically swing wildly at me. I might do this even if things are going well because it's always a crowd pleaser.

Just for fun, here are a few of the emails I've received.

*Read your profile...and thought to myself "damn, this girl is almost as direct as me"...then I saw that you lived in Milwaukee :( - He's from Chicago. I love a man with a lot of quit in him.

*Hello, my name is Rachel will never contact you. I am an african american male,age 38, madison. I like to workout,dance,travel,shoot pool and darts. - I imagine if I had responded to this intriguing email, it would have looked something like this - Me too.

*PRAGUE!!!! - Yep, that's all he wrote.

*I like to see that you love to travel because I do too. I've only been to Cancun but I'd really like to see other things. - Awesome. I went to Cancun when I was 15. I bet we'll have loads of travel tales to share.

*You have a gorgeous smile, do you think mene is? I hope some day to met you. - Who doesn't love an illiterate narcissist?

Emails that I actually respond to have 3 things in common: they make me laugh, they ask me questions and they are punctuated. So far I think I've received 4 that fit the bill. Upon further investigation I usually find that they're single fathers, unemployed or geriatric. The search continues...