Monday, September 14, 2009

Dr. Pepper and Dots


Match.com vs. eHarmony? Match.com would win in one round. TKO. Rachel, you're just being impatient. It takes more than a week for eHarmony to send your trivial questionnaire into cyberspace, find its equally trivial counterpart and then email your not even close perfect match. Seriously Dr. Warren? If it were up to you I'd be waxing the head of a bald, short, paunchy, middle aged, unemployed (no joke, I've gotten 3 of these winners already) cat lover. I can't help but wonder if my 47 cosmic dimensions of compatibility aren't trying to tell me something. I felt I answered all 200+ multiple choice questions honestly, so why is it that my responses seem to illicit matches of those whom I'd NEVER consider dating?


Personally I'm starting to feel as if Dr. Warren (whom I suspect went to medical school with Dr. Pepper) is having a great belly laugh as he runs to TJ Maxx to buy himself a new polyester wardrobe with my $40. I think what I resent most is that it is not even mildly entertaining. As I've mentioned, you're not allowed to search yourself. It's like being 5 years old again in a candy store and your mom insists on picking out a tasty treat for you. This usually results in a dismal selection of chalky antacids (commonly known as PEZ) and those dot paper candies (you know the rock hard drops of compressed sugar gorilla glued to paper? When you finally pry one of those little buttons off you end up eating a disproportionate amount of soggy parchment. Yum. Bonus - you walk around with yards of transcript paper, which is fun if you want to look like a court stenographer). Wow, got a little off track now didn't I? Anyway, adding insult to injury, you realize the "Free" Match.com trial provides more access to singles than the full bananas of eHarmony. WTF? Going back to the candy analogy (I can't let go of those wretched dots) this is the part where you morosely scan the faces of delighted children clutching their gummies and yards of licorice ropes. *sigh Since I'm a greedy little 5 year old, I subscribed to Match.com as well. I wasn't going to let those chubby little kids steal all my gummies. However, eHarmony is one of the only things I've been able to commit to recently so I figured I'll wait out my 3-month membership and continue to let Dr. Warren make me feel worthy of dot paper.


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