s near certain prime offenders). In fact, my Uncle Haru insisted I was an "American snob" when I jammed my fingers up my nose at the top of Petrin Hill Observation Tower which happened to be enclosed on a humid day with numerous odoriferous - fun word right? It's on the garbage bin in my garage further indicating the pompous nature I've often suspected my neighbors of - perpetrators. My reply, "I'm not a snob simply because I've located, purchased and mastered the application of antiperspirant." I will not claim to be an expert on deodorant sales or its global market penetration, but I'm fairly certain that most countries can gain access to Speedstick, Ban Roll-On, Degree and maybe even Secret for women. Perhaps I'll look into this. Basically, I agree that Europe has many artistic and cultural contributions to marvel at. Sculptures and paintings that bring tears to your eyes, churches that take your breath away, museums that bring an amazing past to life. However, as far as the "I'm more dignified, enlightened and refined than you American dolts" attitude goes, I'm not buying it. I'll take my loud, coarse, innovative, eat meals in under 2 hours, hygienic, don't-have-time-to-sit-and-ponder-art-at-a-cafe-all-day-because-I-have-a-job, American brethren any day. To those pretentious Hollywood types, misguided hippies, and arrogant Europeans - I'll take crass over class if it means I'm smellin' sweet, my ass is not raw and my coffee does not come in a Smurf sized cup and taste like tar.With that said, I do in fact love many of the aforementioned artistic and cultural aspects of Europe. The architecture is breathtaking, the museums and galleries are astounding, the churches are indescribable, eating becomes an art form, shopping at its best. My recent trip included Prague and various cities in Germany (Dresden, Potsdam, Berlin and Hamburg). Here are some of the highlights from each location.
PRAGUE: The architecture, cobble stone streets and beautiful people reminded me of Rome. The city is absolutely stunning. Due to the fact that I cannot remotely read, speak or make sense of the Czecher's language I do not recall half of the names of the things we saw. What I do remember is that we went to a beautiful church called St. Vitus I believe located within Prague Castle (I could be way off), the Senate building, Lenin wall where we left inspired messages (I wrote my name, Aunt D wrote beside a large IMAGINE - Imagine if you were an American. I love the USA), Old Town with some old clock that we stared at for 20 minutes waiting to for it to chime and creepy little figurines to move, the Vlatava River, some church by some palace, I almost knocked over a guard while embracing full tourist mode and posing next to him for a photo op, a weird gargoyle wall with hidden creatures I identified as King Kong, the lion from the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, a kitten and a vampire that was next to a random cage filled with owls. Wow, I should write a travel book I am so detail oriented. Watch out Lonely Planet, seems as if you've got a new editor. I noticed that Prague is fill
ed with odd street signs as well. For example, this little fellow may have indicated Caution: tourist jamming ahead. The walk signs were also quite endearing. The little person portrayed to be crossing had a very dapper hat on and if it's possible to depict in a street sign, actually appeared to be sauntering.
PRAGUE: The architecture, cobble stone streets and beautiful people reminded me of Rome. The city is absolutely stunning. Due to the fact that I cannot remotely read, speak or make sense of the Czecher's language I do not recall half of the names of the things we saw. What I do remember is that we went to a beautiful church called St. Vitus I believe located within Prague Castle (I could be way off), the Senate building, Lenin wall where we left inspired messages (I wrote my name, Aunt D wrote beside a large IMAGINE - Imagine if you were an American. I love the USA), Old Town with some old clock that we stared at for 20 minutes waiting to for it to chime and creepy little figurines to move, the Vlatava River, some church by some palace, I almost knocked over a guard while embracing full tourist mode and posing next to him for a photo op, a weird gargoyle wall with hidden creatures I identified as King Kong, the lion from the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, a kitten and a vampire that was next to a random cage filled with owls. Wow, I should write a travel book I am so detail oriented. Watch out Lonely Planet, seems as if you've got a new editor. I noticed that Prague is fill
ed with odd street signs as well. For example, this little fellow may have indicated Caution: tourist jamming ahead. The walk signs were also quite endearing. The little person portrayed to be crossing had a very dapper hat on and if it's possible to depict in a street sign, actually appeared to be sauntering.The city is also very clean but I think it's mainly attributed to the plethora of bums who enjoy digging through the trash for treasures. Sort of like garbage spelunkers. The beggars were also interesting. I was a little taken aback when I realized that after strolling through the streets of Prague I was more sweaty and dirty than the so-called "bums" in their freshly pressed clothes and brand new sparkling white sneakers. Frankly, I think they were just tourists looking for some extra cash to buy the whimsical marionettes that seemed to inhabit many of the shops. I found their approach to begging quite dangerous though. They just lay down bent over holding out their hands or a hat, looking as if they're kissing the ground or practicing grade school tornado drill techniques. At first I thought they were perhaps Muslims praying. The danger comes from the fact that it's quite easy to miss them and consequently quite easy to step on them. Also, I imagine their legs get cramped so if I were compelled to snatch the coins from them I could get away quite easily while they try to get the blood flowing back to their get-away sticks.
What else? Oh, my cousin got her purse stolen right in front of us at a cafe. Let me paint you a picture of my alarming disregard for my surroundings. The group is eating lunch with my mother and I seated across from my cousin, the victim, of a heinous robbery attempt. Suddenly, interrupting what was sure to be an insightful yet humorous dialogue initiated by me, a 50+ year old ninja woman hands the victim back her purse. At this point we notice the perp walking casually away as the ninja shouts what I can only imagine were foreign obscenities in his direction. So as I was holding court, my cousin had been so enthralled by my conversation that she had her purse casually snatched, then aggressively snatched back, then heroically handed back to her. All the while I was staring directly at her, completely unaware of the crime. Uncle Haru, the victim's father, then proceeded to yell at her for having allowed her purse to be snatched in the first place. Oh, classic Haru.
We also ventured to some pilgrimage area (again, sketchy on the names) which included a library, an ugly little chapel that supposedly contained a rotten board from the Virgin Mary's house, the St. Wilgifortis altar which exhibits a crucified, bearded woman (story being, she was a Portuguese maiden who prayed for a masculine appearance in order to preserve her chastity), and a church filled with cherub sculptures that Aunt D said resembled "sexual deviants."
DRESDEN: Home of the amazing Zwinger palace. Augustus the Strong wanted a stunning abode that rivaled Versailles in the 1700s and wah-la, the "Zvinger" came to life. With its spectacular courtyard and impressive museums (art museum included an extensive collection of Rubens and Raphael's 'Sistine Madonna,' and we went to the most comprehensive Armory I think I've ever seen) this place was amazing. 
We stayed at the Art Otel which showcased an anatomically correct stick figure man that appeared to be flipping you off. Our room included a bathroom with a window strategically placed in view of the toilet. When you flipped a switch the window would blur out but still induced paranoia as shadows and movements were still visible from outside.
The city was destroyed during WWII and is still in the process of being rebuilt, but the remaining historical buildings were amazing. Behind a large bronze statue of Martin Luther that survived the bombings was the most gorgeous Lutheran church, the Frauenkirche (or Church of Our Lady), I have ever seen. The interior of the church was like a little girls fantasy. Pastels and gold art upon the altar and balconies invoked a light, ethereal quality. If I ever take Aunt D's advice and just "give marriage a try," I would seriously consider a destination wedding to Dresden simply for this church. However, restorations of the city will probably take another oh, 5-10 years so I've got some time.
We also watched a Blair Witch style black and white slide show video of pictures from Dresden's past. I briefly fell asleep then realized my English headphones were broken. Had them fixed, broke again shortly thereafter, watched the remainder of the video set to the hip hop beats courtesy of 50 cent on my iPod. Spent less than 2 days in Dresden before heading to Berlin. Overall impression, the city is stunningly quaint, I really enjoyed it.
BERLIN: Absolutely loved this city! We stayed at the Park Inn which I think may be the tallest building in all of Berlin, making it nearly impossible for me to get lost. Again, our hotel room was a little bizarre. The sexy shower in the middle of the room really was a plus considering my mother and I were sharing the place for a week. I noticed at this location that my mother is indeed a horrible roommate. She snored every night, she never closed the sheer privacy curtain all the way on the sexy shower, her shoes stunk up the room so badly I made her put them in the hallway and she stole my room key, thus forcing me to walk down 13 flights of stairs. If she hadn't funded this little excursion, I would have seriously considered writing her a strongly worded letter (in keeping with my lack of courage at confronting people).
While in Berlin we went to the German History museum that I devoured in 6+ hours. I'm fairly certain I know more about Germany's history than America's right now. Sad. Anyways, we went to the beautiful Berlin Cathedral (church by the Lustgarten) and took a ridiculous, overly informative audio guided tour. Walked past the Brandenburg Gate which is situated opposite from the Hotel Adlon - made famous by Michael Jackson who dangled his 8-
month old son Prince from its window. Saw remnants of the Berlin Wall and the Holocaust Memorial which was awe inspiring. The Pergamon Museum (which showcased the Pergamon Altar, the Ishtar Gate from Babylon and a lengthy tribute to the Greek god of wine, Dionysus), Checkpoint Charlie, the Reichstag building, a university where Einstein taught, the Hackeschen Markt and a cafe called Titty Twister were just a few highlights from Berlin.
month old son Prince from its window. Saw remnants of the Berlin Wall and the Holocaust Memorial which was awe inspiring. The Pergamon Museum (which showcased the Pergamon Altar, the Ishtar Gate from Babylon and a lengthy tribute to the Greek god of wine, Dionysus), Checkpoint Charlie, the Reichstag building, a university where Einstein taught, the Hackeschen Markt and a cafe called Titty Twister were just a few highlights from Berlin. I loved the street performers. On two different occasions there were break dancers, one group destined for So You Think You Can Dance? the other, to remain 
Berlin street performers. A multitude of musicians. One day it might be goth weirdos playing bagpipes, the next a string quartet. At dinner we were entertained by flame eaters, giant bubble blowers and mime-ish clown antics all for the pleasure of a few solicited euro. I could people watch all day. Everyone is so diverse and comfortably casual. The goth population is thriving and well in the streets of Berlin for those of you who may have wondered where they went after 1998. Even the legalized prostitutes don't seem to put on airs as they hustle the pitiful middle aged men and curiously misguided teenage tourists. According to strict dress code, the midnight madams are easy to spot as they are required to squeeze into a corset accentuated by an impossibly sexy, yet practical fanny pack. I say kudos to you Pretty Woman, you may sell your body to the masses but you're a law abiding, tax paying citizen dammit! Anyway, Berlin is eclectic, modern, interesting and a very realistic/easy place to picture yourself living in. Loved it! 
Berlin street performers. A multitude of musicians. One day it might be goth weirdos playing bagpipes, the next a string quartet. At dinner we were entertained by flame eaters, giant bubble blowers and mime-ish clown antics all for the pleasure of a few solicited euro. I could people watch all day. Everyone is so diverse and comfortably casual. The goth population is thriving and well in the streets of Berlin for those of you who may have wondered where they went after 1998. Even the legalized prostitutes don't seem to put on airs as they hustle the pitiful middle aged men and curiously misguided teenage tourists. According to strict dress code, the midnight madams are easy to spot as they are required to squeeze into a corset accentuated by an impossibly sexy, yet practical fanny pack. I say kudos to you Pretty Woman, you may sell your body to the masses but you're a law abiding, tax paying citizen dammit! Anyway, Berlin is eclectic, modern, interesting and a very realistic/easy place to picture yourself living in. Loved it! POTSDAM: Took a day trip here to see a couple palaces. Apparently Frederick the Great was a real show off, needing not only his Neues Palais (New Palace - built after the end of the Seven Years' War to prove Prussia was still in good shape economically), but a summer palace -the Schloss Sanssouci (meaning "Free of Care")- located a couple miles away.
Aside from the palaces, Potsdam was kind of a bore. The little town reminded me of the Dells. Not sure if I'd ever go back, but it's worth a 2 hour trip at least once.
HAMBURG: Our band of merry travelers parted, leaving Aunt D, Uncle Haru and I to explore Hamburg. We took the Gravitrain (super fast train that I imagined would cause Gravitron type centripetal force that would smoosh our bodies into our seats or walls) to Hamburg and were greeted by throngs of Hamburglars lining the streets. Turns out it was a Christopher Street Parade. What is Christopher Street you may be wondering? Gay pride! (Prior to my trip to Hamburg I did not know this. I quickly figured it out as the rainbow arch of balloons and assortment of drag 
queens and techno blasting buses filled with gyrating boyfriends took center stage. Upon further investigation when I got home, I now know that Christopher Street is an actual street in the West Village of New York, that served as the center of NY's gay rights movement during the '70s. Hooray for Wikipedia). I should first mention that I'm 87% sure I witnessed a junkie OD right before the parade started. Anyway, the parade began and we were treated to an assortment of fabulous queens, middle aged men in assless chaps, lesbians holding boobs, a bus load of ridiculously fit "sailors," with a brief interlude of some S&M freaks dressed like horses pulling the Dominatrix(s) in carriages. It was all fun and games with the jazzy gays doing dance routines, throwing out condoms and squirting me with a squirt gun that I suspected contained seminal fluids, but those creepy horse people really brought the vibe to a new level of discom
fort. Worth mentioning, as the vehicles passed many of them had heart pounding bass thumping music that Aunt D was convinced would illicit a sexual frenzy. Considering there was a lot of groping and PDA around town after the parade I think she may have been right. Welcome to Hamburg!
queens and techno blasting buses filled with gyrating boyfriends took center stage. Upon further investigation when I got home, I now know that Christopher Street is an actual street in the West Village of New York, that served as the center of NY's gay rights movement during the '70s. Hooray for Wikipedia). I should first mention that I'm 87% sure I witnessed a junkie OD right before the parade started. Anyway, the parade began and we were treated to an assortment of fabulous queens, middle aged men in assless chaps, lesbians holding boobs, a bus load of ridiculously fit "sailors," with a brief interlude of some S&M freaks dressed like horses pulling the Dominatrix(s) in carriages. It was all fun and games with the jazzy gays doing dance routines, throwing out condoms and squirting me with a squirt gun that I suspected contained seminal fluids, but those creepy horse people really brought the vibe to a new level of discom
fort. Worth mentioning, as the vehicles passed many of them had heart pounding bass thumping music that Aunt D was convinced would illicit a sexual frenzy. Considering there was a lot of groping and PDA around town after the parade I think she may have been right. Welcome to Hamburg!We stayed at a beautiful old hotel, the Kempinski, complete with a number of old fancy guests. We didn't get the dress code memo. Apparently you were required to match your party, old people are cute. Saw St. Michaelis church and St. Nikolas memorial. Walked through the Fish Market which was vaguely reminiscent of the WI State Fair. Took a boat and bus tour of the city. Checked out the gorgeous Parliament building. Had fun shopping and walking along the many rivers 
throughout the "Venice of Germany." Not sure the title fits, but the city was very charming.
throughout the "Venice of Germany." Not sure the title fits, but the city was very charming. Took the Gravitrain back to Berlin for our last night. Early flight from Berlin to Brussels, then Brussels to Chicago. Long day. Body and brain still not functioning properly due to the 7 hour time change. Looking forward to the next vacation with my crazy wonderful family.
Final note - As our trip progressed I realized I had in fact executed all 7 deadly sins.
- LUST - I want a palace with the works.
- WRATH - I decided I will become enraged if I don't get my palace.
- PRIDE - thankful to be an American who speaks fluent English.
- SLOTH - rested upon every grassy knoll I came across because I've got a lot of quit in me.
- ENVY - insatiable desire to own some of the artwork and armory at the Zwinger museums.
- GREED - coveting my new Roberto Cavalli and Burberry watches.
- GLUTTONY - I think I consumed roughly 5 kegs worth of beer on this trip.
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