What does Lisa Nowak, Bill Nye and Kahlil Gibran have in common? Chemistry!

I thought I had a breakthrough a couple months back when I decided that I was going to summate my entire failed relationship to one key component: chemistry. Ah yes, that's it. We had no chemistry, no wonder things didn't work out! Satisfied with this conclusion, I decided that from now on I would pursue only those whom I felt this dizzying, potent chemistry with. Seems like a plausible course of action, right? As I began this Bill Nye the Science Guy approach to dating I realized I don't have a freakin' clue what this chemistry is suppose to look, feel, sound or smell like. Is it that nervous, sweaty palm, stuttering, fidgetiness that takes over your normally cool demeanor when you're talking to an attractive guy? Or maybe that exigent burnin' in your loins that activates your clever use of sexual innuendo and pelvic gyration? As a general rule of thumb, I do not prefer feeling out of control, flustered or as if something is out of sorts in my pantaloons. In fact, I usually avoid scenarios that induce such inner turmoil. I like being surrounded by those that make me comfortable and that I find to be amusing. So what does this mean for me? Well, if I'm accurate in my assessment of what chemistry is, I'm pretty certain that I intentionally avoid those I may have chemistry with. Seems problematic.

Unsatisfied with the conclusion that I purposefully avoid these dastardly chemical responses, I thought I might delve a little deeper and figure out what the hell my body is suppose to be feeling and why. Warning: The following assessment is neither helpful nor relevant to dating (in my opinion whatsoever) but I Googled the shit painstakingly researched the info and felt I would share it anyhow.

Phenylethylamine (or PEA), the "love molecule," is described as the infatuation inducing stimulant. Already, this sounds like something I would seek medical treatment to have removed. Well, this PEA needs a dash of dopamine and a smattering of norepinephrine, simmer for an hour and you've got yourself a hearty dose of euphoria and uncertainty. Now, lets not forget the endorphines that serve as the catalyst of this insatiable desire. These little instigators trigger cells in the midbrain to produce dopamine and PEA. Thus, igniting a coup among these powerful natural amphetamines, forcing the brain to select a plan of action. At this stage of the game, you better hope your dopamine and PEA levels are adequately supplied because they are important in balancing the excitatory hormones (the previously mentioned norepinephrine) and providing enhanced emotional stability. If your body is slightly out of whack and your love molecules are misfiring you may end up in a diaper on a cross country road trip. When you're "high" on the physical responses to these chemical reactions, your common sense and good judgement may be compromised. Hence, confusing lust for love with the wrong person. Um okay, so what are you suppose to do if your body incites a mutiny against your brain? (Here's the part where my warning really shines.) I have no idea. Prior to this investigation I did not even know what PEA was. Now that I know what it is, I have no clue what to do with this knowledge. No wonder I fell asleep during chemistry almost every day.

Perhaps my PEA was DOA in my previous relationship, but the fact that it's alive and well in my current dating life is proving to be equally problematic. Sure I've got the euphoric, frenzied, happy pants feeling that had been missing, but I'm still unsatisfied. I guess I need the Kahlil Gibran "spiritual affinity" part of the chemical response. In Broken Wings, Gibran discusses a doomed love with the beautiful Selma. Initially he describes her spirit and beauty as an insatiable desire, to which he is inexplicably linked. Through Gibran's poetic verses, one can feel the lust, the passion, the chemistry:

In her white silk dress, Selma was slender as a ray of moonlight coming through the window. She walked gracefully and rhythmically. Her voice was low and sweet; words fell from her lips like drops of dew falling from the petals of flowers when they are disturbed by the wind. But Selma's face! No words can describe its expression, reflecting first great internal suffering, then heavenly exaltation.

Gibran ultimately concludes that true love only occurs on a deeper level. When two beings are spiritually connected through the heart and soul. In some ways, this is described as another form of chemistry. The initial understanding that you're in the presence of something more meaningful than simply physical attraction.

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created in years or even generations.

I guess what it all comes down to is that physical chemistry, though intoxicating, is not enough for a sustainable relationship. At some point, there must be a deeper more spiritual connection. A foundation of trust, mutual respect, friendship, warmth, contentment. Is it possible to find both, to find one's Selma? The embodiment of both physical and emotional chemistry?

Selma's beauty was not in her golden hair, but in the virtue and purity which surrounded it; not in her large eyes, but in the light which emanated from them; not in her red lips, but in the sweetness of her words; not in her ivory neck, but in its slight bow to the front. Nor was it in her perfect figure, but in the nobility of her spirit, burning like a white torch between earth and sky. Her beauty was like a gift of poetry.

Oh Gibran, you certainly know how to make a girl swoon. I'm fairly certain no man has ever looked at my figure and admired the nobility of my spirit within. Meh. The older I get, the more my priorities seem to change. For a long time I was content with the emotional chemistry part of the equation. Then I woke up and realized this was mind-numbingly boring when you're in your early 20's. Shifted gears in pursuit of the physical chemistry we're all familiar with and realize that this too is inadequate. So my current options are boring stability or emotionless passion. Awesome. I'll go with option C, Mr. Merlot and a steamy romance novel. Let's see how my PEA reacts when it's swimming in a sea of alcohol. Off to the bar lab!