While I was in Berlin, my Uncle's niece who happens to live there, joined us for a few days to show us the city. This woman has led a pretty incredible life. She's backpacked throughout the world, can speak at least 2 other languages (one being Mandarin Chinese), has a degree in Chinese medicine, moved to Germany not knowing a soul, and has landed a job with a high end touring company. She's thoughtful and inquisitive, open-minded and patient. She carries herself with the quiet confidence of a woman who has experienced a truly dynamic life. I enjoyed meeting her because I am none of these things. I relish the opportunity to witness firsthand what it's like to live without judgement or fear holding you back. Will I ever backpack through India or Morocco? Live amongst anarchists and ex-pats in a building tagged with headless mermaids and puking aliens? Date street performers and acrobats? Probably not, but the fact that I know someone who has gives me the unmerited notion that I too am an open-minded, adventurous soul. 
Yes,this justification is baseless but I've discovered that I need very little foundation to support my theories. What was the point of introducing this lively character to my blog? Ah, yes...the discussion we had about dating.
As the Niece and I were watching a band of street performers after dinner one night I decided to regale her with my relationship history and future outlook on the matter. No, she did not initiate this dialogue as we were still essentially strangers, but after a few large Pilsners at dinner social decorum flies out the window. I'm pretty blunt about my beliefs and unapologetic of my severely abrupt opinions. At some point I've got to activate the filter that most adults seem to not only possess but actually utilize, that prevents your brain from allowing your mouth to rant about sex, bodily functions, and other inappropriate topics. Sometimes I feel as if the words just tumble out of my mouth before I've even had a chance to form a proper sentence, thus ensuring the angry baby blather I often find myself reciting. So after the uncomfortable "called off my wedding" speech (I've really got this diatribe down to under 5 minutes) I begin my lament on dating. To summarize: What's the point?
Niece is almost 40, has never been married and is currently in a 2 year relationship. I bring her up to speed on my dating discoveries, disasters and disappointments (my impressive aptitude for applying alliteration when deemed completely unnecessary is another one of my many unmarketable skills). I ask Niece if she plans on ever getting hitched? *shrugs shoulders, she's "Not sure." [cue interrogation]
I've always held the belief that at a certain age the point of dating is to get married right? I mean that's the goal if you've decided that marriage is in fact something you want. As I reveal this maxim to Niece she unhesitatingly replies, "Is it?" Again, we are essentially strangers but it seemed to me that she hadn't completely ruled out matrimonial bliss so I was completely shocked that this goal I've adhered to may not be on everyone's radar. Always eager to find some new theory to dissect I began questioning what really is the point of dating?
Let me preface my conclusions by stating that I have not validated, surveyed or run logistics on any of these findings. Here goes...
I think women fall into 2 dating categories: those who want to get married and those who don't or are unsure. For those women who want to get married I believe they approach relationships like job interviews. What qualities does this man possess that may reveal his aptitude for fathering children, providing stability, epitomizing the perfect husband fantasy? Is this method fair or reasonable? Probably not. I think relationships (healthy ones at least) continue to evolve and change based on circumstance. Someone who may appear to be confident and stable may crumble at the first sign of distress. After the passionate honeymoon period of any relationship begins to wane, do you find one another interesting enough to continue? What are the true tell-tale signs of a potentially good husband or father? I suppose this is where you take a leap of faith and trust your instincts. I don't believe anyone who is honest with themselves can definitively say they are 100% certain they've chosen their "soul mate." Bleh, that term is so cheesy. For the record, I DO NOT believe in soul mates. I think it's a concept born of delusional women and hopeless romantics. If this offends you, hit that little X in the upper right hand corner of your screen and get ready for your poetry slam. I digress... Without a doubt I have fallen into this category for the past few months. If I couldn't see myself marrying you within oh, a 3 date time frame I was moving along. The truly deluded part of this scenario is that I'm not really even interested in finding a husband at the moment. I think my brain has been wired for so long to pursue that Biblical dream of marriage, procreation and good, clean living that it forgot to have a little fun. I want to date! I want to experience what it's like to be every other 20-something year old making mistakes and falling down occasionally. Although I did a brief stint in a Human Resources department, I have zero qualifications for finding a good "husband-type." So what's the point? One can choose to live their life in pursuit of their Biblical duties, maybe even attaining a modicum of their initial fantasy, but doesn't this course lend itself to a lot of disappointment and frustration? From personal experience I'm going to go ahead and answer that for you - Yes it does.
Dating category #2 - women who do not want to or are unsure of whether or not marriage is in the cards. I would like to chastise this group for being liars and fools because all women want to get married and they are simply in denial! Am I right?! Truthfully, I am silently envious of their uncomplicated approach to dating - of course I'd never admit this. When unencumbered by a mold with which to size up every person one dates, I've got to believe one is more inclined to enjoy themselves and others. When you write someone off you may miss their best that's yet to come. But what if we're not all destined to be husbands or wives? Any participant in modern day society is aware that there are certain rewards attached to those who choose holy matrimony over a solo existence. Whether it's tax breaks or simply the benefit of not having married acquaintances wonder why you couldn't find/hold onto/convince someone to tolerate you for the rest of your life. But is getting married simply because society dictates that this is in fact the proper course of action for everyone enough justification? From personal observation I'm going to go ahead and answer this one for you as well - No, it's not.
So, what is the point of dating? I have no clue. Hehe...you didn't think I'd actually arrive to any valid conclusion did you? That's clearly not my style. I think perhaps the desirable end result could manifest itself in 3 ways though. You either find yourself a spouse, a friend or a lover (for those of you with keen judgement, maybe even a combination of the 3!). On the other hand, you could just as easily find yourself an archenemy, stalker or pregnant (perhaps a combination of these as well). My advice, go with what brings you the least amount of stress, tears and my personal favorite, effort. I truly am destined for greatness.
I think the societal dictates about marriages are fairly strong. Couple that with the whole pressure from the generation ahead of us, and then you suddenly find yourself with the idea that all relationships are supposed to end in a pair of rings, a few half-hearted vows, a passel of children, and a lifetime of broken dreams.
ReplyDeleteNot that my wedding ring is chafing or anything.
However, when, after I got married, my mother confided in my wife that it was time for me to settle down and that she (my mom) couldn't have been happier that I finally did (I was 24), I began to think I'd made a grave mistake.