Wednesday, August 19, 2009

There's a new Pollyanna in town

When I graduated high school my mom made a book for me filled with her encouraging stories, inspiring quotes, and cautionary advice for the future. I was looking through this little compendium of expectations the other day, and realized "holy cow, this woman is delusional to think I may actually have this must potential, and what the hell did I do to provoke this deception?" I thought I had made it pretty clear that I had little ambition and no intention of making the world a better place. Where did I go wrong? With that said, I find myself in a real pickle. My mother's stubbornness is rivaled only by my laziness. If she insists that I (at the very least) attempt to be a productive, contributing member of society I find this course of action will be easier to achieve than dodging her despondent gaze. The woman is relentless.

Excerpt from the book:
There will always be reason to find fault with someone. Keep it to yourself. You will even find someone who will share your opinions, but to what end? Becoming bitter and renown for your acerbic wit will gain you an audience for sure. People will gravitate to the outrageous, wishing they had the gall to "tell it like it is," but be careful. You will never know when your haranguing will become tiresome, your words, once spoken, will define you. You may become an embarrassment to the people you love most.


What are you trying to say mom?! *chuckles, because she used "acerbic wit" instead of "bitchy and obnoxious banter."

Crestfallen and dejected I'm going to try something a little out of the box - being positive. Bear with me as I stumble awkwardly into the world of cheerful optimism. A little shaky on how to go about doing this, I thought I'd start with a familiar format, a list. Maybe I'll even work up to a conversational level of good cheer at some point. But let's not rush things.

Things that make me grin, giggle or shake violently-tears streaming down my face-little pee running down my leg-fit of joy:



  • When my Grandpa insists on pronouncing Saskatchewan as "Sass-a-ka-toon."
  • My 12lb dog humping Rottweilers, Great Danes, Labrapuggledoodles, or whatever hybrid mutant breed he encounters.



  • My brother's spelling - chocolate may come out as "chalklet."

  • When my Grandmother refers to someone as a "Maverick" or a "scamp."

  • Insisting that every trip taken with my best friend is our honeymoon in hopes that we get upgrades even if we happen to be staying at a hostel...with my brother.





  • Mystery Science Theater 3000

  • The Platinum Dancers of the Milwaukee Iron Arena Football team. Favorite memory - when the chubby one tripped while running off the field. I know that's mean, but you would have laughed too. Don't judge me.
  • Fanny packs, mullets, and zooba pants...especially flaunted all together.
  • My cousin taking time out of her conversations with me to either dance because "her song" came on, or give me a creepy inappropriate wink.

      • My dog who enjoys dragging himself along the floor by his front paws in what I suspect is an attempt to wipe away that little lingering drop of pee.
      • When my mom refers to someone as a "twat." Typically she cringes at words like "piss" or "vulva," but for some reason "twat" just (warning: gross pun ahead) rolls off her tongue.


      • Reminiscing on the tales of my dad who tried to convince us he was from a planet called Diamondo where he ate diamonds brought by sexy alien women. [How I managed to avoid therapy throughout my adolescence I'm still unsure of.]

      • Watching the mayhem that ensues after I call the cops on drunken idiots outside of Victor's bar. Most recently, dude passed out in the middle of the street in front of the bar. Cops show up to wake him and he starts throwing haymakers.
      • Fail Blog
      • Uncle Haru telling me, "You're brilliant, but really inefficient." He also calls me Rat-chel, a bimbo and a floozy.
      • My cousin the Frontier Legend.

      • Clever blogs - A Crown of Thistles, Yellow Trash Diaries, Wait in the Van

      • When Seany is "doing it." And no, this does not refer to sex.
      • When my brother reveals his creation of a Halloween costume.
      • Old men skin flapping in the wind while riding mopeds.
      • Playing the board game Moods with my brother. [Mood: flirty] *Tucks his chin into his shoulder, bats his lashes, and says, "That's a funny little cigarette."
      • You Tube videos of drunk people.
      • When you put one arm in your shirt and tug the empty sleeve up and down, while simultaneously making the tucked in arm punch frantically. (Can you picture this? Maybe I'm not describing it very accurately but it makes me laugh whenever someone does it.)
      • Giving your loved one (or your dogs) a Dutch Oven
      • Locking your friends outdoors after you've convinced them to jump in the snow naked.
      • When someone farts in an elevator and pretends not to notice even if there's no one else around.

      2 comments:

      1. This post made me laugh numerous times. Labrapuggledoodle...LOL.

        ReplyDelete
      2. I miss Mystery Science Theater. I used to watch it way too much in college.

        I know what you're talking about with the arm thing. I think you described it just fine.

        Also, I enjoy the Dutch Ovening, too.

        ReplyDelete