Van Buren Commie Lofts

I almost lost it 2 days ago. And by "lost it", I mean lost my dog after hurling him off the balcony. Not literally, but tip-toeing the line of very literally. Between the barking, biting, peeing and circling my legs all day, I checked my condo rules to see if it would be "unsightly" to have a dead dog on the neighbor's balcony below. Speaking of condo rules, I recently found the new 14 page packet outside my door. As my heart started racing and little beads of sweat began to inhabit my brow, I knew it. They found out about the 3rd dog and now I will be driven from VBCL by an angry pitchfork and torch bearing upscale elderly lot. After briefly running through my various escape plans (one of which includes the great Mylar balloon diversion/hide in the attic plan but first I must find an attic) I realized all the neighbors had new rules outside their door. *Phew* I'll admit I still tentatively flipped through the pages, anticipating a few highlighted sections or specific "Unit Owners Named Rachel Rules" but found none. After going through all 14 pages of restrictions I couldn't help but wonder why the hell I was paying so much to live at a place that is beginning to feel like a Soviet Gulag. Okay, that might be a little overly dramatic but I'm not what you'd call a fan of rules, regulations, restrictions or any other "R" word that limits my impulses or causes heart palpitations.



The rules that really irritate me are all the "unsightly" elements that one is to avoid. An entire page is devoted to balconies. Although the rules are prefaced by "The balconies, while for the exclusive use of the unit to which they are attached," [alright, I paid for and own the balcony so...] "impact the appearance of our building and can pose certain safety concerns." Final summation - Your $9000 taxes, mortgage payments and condo fees do NOT omit the fact that you live in a condo and not a house, and therefore must succumb to the whim of the almighty board as if you still live under your parents roof. Some of the balcony rules that I found to be particularly Commie in nature include the following:

1. Children are not permitted on balconies except under the supervision of an adult. (Although the average age of residents at VBCL is 76, I don't really foresee grandchildren hurling themselves off our tiny balconies being a serious concern.)


2. No unsightly tables, chairs, grills or other items will be permitted. (I've looked at my neighbor's balconies and have to seriously question who determines what is unsightly because I'm seeing a lot of random foliage and faux Roman statues. Also, could this pertain to people? I find my freaky neighbor below, to be quite unsightly.)


3. Balconies may not be used for shaking rugs. (Why? Not that I shake my rugs anyway, but if I did I can't imagine that so much debris would be strewn about as to become a hazard or blemish on the facade of the building. A little dust and bits of kibble should eventually blow away, am I right?)


4. Residents may not drop items or pour liquids off the balconies. (Okay, this makes sense but it's the equivalent of saying "Don't make toast in the tub.")


5. No signs or banners shall be displayed. (Commie bastards.)


6. Residents may place a reasonable amount of flowers or other plantings on their balconies. (WTF? What is considered a reasonable amount? Is there a formula to this? A ratio of petunias to marigolds that must be followed? How many marijuana plants am I allowed? Again, I want to know who is setting these standards as it looks like the freakin' Milwaukee Domes on most balconies.)


7. Balconies may not be used for drying laundry. (Way to go Green guys! Personally I think this is a dig at Chinatown's all over the world. Who doesn't want to see what clothes I spilled wine on the night before?)

As I've mentioned, there is also a 2 dog per household limit. Why only 2 dogs when the city of Milwaukee allows 3? Couldn't tell you, other than I suspect there's been some sort of elderly dog fighting issues in the past. The new rules also include the ramifications of any sort of deviant and felonious behavior. These include - a written reprimand (which I've already received a number of times for various infractions), a fine not to exceed $250, plus admin costs of $20, plus $15 per day the malevolent conduct persists. By my calculations I owe the board roughly $800 for the Judge already. Oh, and loss of use of the Association's recreational facilities. That being a pool table in the lobby. Drat!

So you see, I'm not cut out for this type of bastille living. I'm a real maverick who's not afraid to live outside the law. I've got to find a new place of residence that doesn't restrict my renegade lifestyle. Some place where I can flaunt my unsightly patio furniture, throw decorative objects and various paraphernalia outside my windows on a whim, stomp and shout down the hallways, let my canines run rampant and children hurl themselves off the balcony if they so choose.

Sure I like living downtown for the nightlife and convenience, but Judge has made those shining qualities a thing of the past. I think my overwhelming desire to never interact in a neighborly fashion with anyone inhabiting my zip code eclipses my love of 18' ceilings and Cream City brick walls. I just need to get out of here before the KGB discovers all my dastardly deeds and eats away my handbag and shoe fund savings.