Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Shark vs. Jets

You know how people say that after you have a baby it's hard to think of a time before you had baby? I finally get it! I'm having a difficult time remembering what it was like to sleep for more than 3 consecutive hours, have all the skin on my hands intact, walk through my condo without tripping over toys and smashing kibble. I think I used to wear clothes other than sweats and shower on a daily basis. I vaguely recall a time when my vocabulary consisted of words and phrases other than - NO, don't bite, don't bark, don't nurse off the other dogs wieners, and what the hell is wrong with you?! In fact, I believe my brain is actually starting to atrophy. Problem solving, grammar, and a general working knowledge of civil functioning is beginning to dissipate. I've already raised 2 puppies so I figured, how hard could a third be?! I've got this! Not the case. A Doberman puppy does not exhibit the same qualities of a teeny Italian Greyhound puppy. For example, Doberman puppies latch onto your flesh with the determination of well, a Doberman. This attack/guarding quality would be impressive and noble if I could harness this madness and redirect it at burglars, felons or bad dates. In fact, my little guy already has the strength and stamina to drag a suitcase around my condo. Doberman puppies are not timid at all. At least not mine (the vet actually said he was very "self-confident" which I believe is code for "good luck, this dog will annihilate you"). Nothing scares him and he has yet to back down from any apparent challenge, including my authority. Most people bring their undisciplined, under exercised, unsocialized dogs to the dog park. This results in a bunch of crazy ass dogs running wild with little to no respect for space, puppies, small dogs, or nice apparel.


[Sidenote to any reader who has a dog such as this: DO NOT bring your dog to the dog park if you haven't walked it already, taught it basic commands or socialized it with a variety of people and other dogs! It's not fair to the rest of us to have your stupid dog get poopy paw prints on our clothes, bang into us, harass or teach our dogs bad habits. Some disgusting, grunty little gremlin looking dog was humping the daylights out of my puppy and within about 10 minutes my pup embarked on his humping spree. Not cool.]

Anyway, for some reason I've noticed a lot of people own boxers, huskies and a variety of hunting/working dogs downtown. For those of you who know anything about dog breeds, these are generally not the best condo or city dogs as they require a lot of exercise. Letting your dog frolic in the park for 20 minutes ain't gonna cut it. These are the dogs that knock you and your dogs over with no inhibition. My pup unfortunately bears the brunt of a lot of crazy dog energy as they plow into or paw at him. They're too rough and I get irritated when the owners of said crazy dog don't reprimand or at least call Cujo back to them. Take the time to socialize your dog with puppies you irresponsible idiots! Then I get to "protect" my future guard dog. Last week a boxer kept running over him and pawing at him too roughly. At the time my little guy had the coordination of a severe alcoholic after a 2 week bender. He'd flop over, cry a bit then march right back up to the boxer and stare him down. Of course he'd get pounded on again, but he kept getting up and facing his assailant. I'll admit I was proud. He's either extremely brave or extremely stupid. The jury is still out. In a few months, I look forward to having them "play" together and I will take a cue from the boxer's owner and not reprimand or control my dog either. Hehe.

The first week or so the Judge (oh, that's his name by the way) slept like an angel and I was patting myself on the back for having found the perfect dog. Within a couple days sleeping through the night transformed into brief naps throughout the day and a hearty appetite for flesh. Seeing as he's so young, reprimands and misdirection register about a zero in his brain. I now know why God makes puppies so adorable (to look at). It's so you don't throw them against a wall, which I will admit I've seriously considered. Having this puppy makes me realize what an unfit mother I'd truly be. I have absolutely no patience for shenanigans or tomfoolery. I also try to reason with the unreasonable which then turns into swearing at the unreasonable. Thank goodness dogs never learn to speak or Judge would sound like a Tourettes sufferer. Since he's a Doberman everyone's warning me that I 'must be firm.' I need to remind myself that I 'must not drown him.' It's not difficult to be firm with a dog who bites your face as soon as you shut your eyes or takes a steamy poo in your hand. I wish I could fast forward about 3 months when his brain starts to develop past fetus status. I'm happy I got to see him all cute and tiny, but I'm over it now. Scary thing is, he gains about 3lbs a week and I'm almost certain none of it can be attributed to brain mass.









Another neat discovery - my dogs hate him. Maverick wouldn't look at him for the first few days and Rebel snaps every time Judge touches him. I'm hoping the Italian Greyhounds work on their attitudes because Judge is going to decimate them in a couple weeks. In my head this little scenario played out differently. My beautiful IGs frolicking about with their spunky new little brother. Taking naps by the fireplace, forging an unbreakable bond. *bloop! imaginary bubble bursts. It's like the Shark (Judge) vs. the Jets (Mav and Rebel), but without the neat choreography and snapping.

1 comment:

  1. My aunt had a dog that was a litter mate of mine. She took the dog (which was a little terrier mix) up to visit her great aunt one day, and my great-great aunt had a huge dalmatian named Chief. Chief saw my aunt's dog and went running over to play, and the littler dog froze. Chief came up and sniffed her and then pawed at her to get her to play, and the littler dog fired poo out like a shotgun. Apparently, poo pellets went everywhere.

    It became an instant legend in my family.

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