Counting my blessings

The past year has been an interesting one to say the least. The bad is usually more engrossing than the good, but there has been so much good bursting from my cornucopia (hehe...lame) that I thought I'd make a list.

What I'm Thankful For:

• When my dastardly puppy nestles his head underneath my chin when he sleeps.


• Big Daddy and his highly inappropriate text messages that always make me laugh out loud no matter where I am.


• Every pair of Ed Hardy shoes that I own. I know I'm a sell out, but they are so comfy.


• My Gramps being at home again.


• My cousin Emily for helping put things into perspective for me.


• Feeling peaceful after leaving mom's house.


• My brother being home from Canada.


• Maverick and Rebel turning out to be the best dogs ever.


• Spending time on my dad's ranch.


• Songs that I can listen to 100 times and not get sick of. (Aerosmith's Dream On)


• The first cup of coffee in the morning.


• Chanel and Dior beauty products.


• Still being able to fit into my jeans from high school.


• Joining the rest of our dog pack with Seany at Minooka.


• Looking through pictures of all the amazing places I've traveled.


• Talking to Aunt D. She always makes me laugh, think and prioritize!


• Grams being sassy.


• Clean 1200tc Egyptian cotton sheets.


• When the weather is just right (no rain or snow, chilly) so I can wear my white goat boots.


• Being blonde again!


• Mr. Merlot


• Mario Party, real estate tycoon board....awesome.


• Packing for the next trip.


• Being up-north with just my dogs.


• Mom making faces in church and letting me snuggle against her shoulder like I used to when I was little. I wish she'd still let Jake and I lay down in the pew and take naps.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Count your blessings!

I'm sick of dating, ya hear that Nick Nolte?

I'm sick of dating.

Would I enjoy a stable, consistent, impossibly handsome, humorous, employed, handy guy in my life? For sure. Do I want to actually go out and proactively search for him anymore? Not so much. At first getting all dolled up and hoping your mystery man didn't turn out to be Nick Nolte or rivaling a potted plant in conversational aptitude was fun. Hooray, butterflies and little dinosaurs (indigestion?) in my stomach! Now it's sort of tedious and inconvenient. It's one thing getting ready for a date that you're actually looking forward to, it's another story when you're planning your impending escape route before you've walked out your door.

I'm sick of dating.

Over the past year I've realized there are tons of great eligible bachelors. Good news ladies, there are plenty of smart, witty, successful, gorgeous men just ripe for the picking! Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed perusing the fields, but haven't quite found the one I feel like throwing into my basket. I have noticed that all this dating has become rather deleterious to my Christian inclinations.

Let's quickly go through the 7 deadly dating sins timeline:

• While primping for a date - Pride/Vanity

• Attempting to impress with clever banter and mundane facts about yourself - Envy (yeah, it's a stretch; I want to make you envious of whoever gets me if it doesn't happen to be you? Eh? Good?)

• Consuming waaaay too much alcohol for that boost of liquid courage; or if you're sure there won't be a second date, ordering and subsequently shoveling the most expensive items on the menu into your smooch hole. - Gluttony

• Being a giant sloot. - Lust

• Wanting to be with someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with you. Sorry you blew it, let it go. - Greed/Avarice

• Turning into a certifiable lunatic after your love interest moves on. Spurn love, opt for fury! - Wrath

• Wishing someone would just arrange a marriage for me already. - Sloth

I'm sick of dating.

I was going through some Match.com profiles the other day and saw I had received an email from a handsome, Lutheran, successful, home owning, tall, blonde hair, blue-eyed, 37 year old....virgin. I shit you not. He boldly proclaimed this fact in his tag line, followed by "saving myself for my bride" in his profile. I'm all about unsolicited pontificating, but come on! What is a horny modern 21st century girl to do with that little detail?! I refuse to corrupt a seemingly cherubic man. In no universe would someone that um...what's the word...good? righteous? restrained? co-mingle with the likes of this frequently morally ambiguous gal. Not to say I'm the whore of Babylon, but I'm not exactly the blessed virgin either. Sorry mom, but I refuse to add liar to my list of transgressions.

I'm sick of dating...and exposing some not-so-fun facts to my mother.

Here's where I'm at. My come to Jesus moment has shifted my dating life from 6th gear to Neutral and I'm laying low for a bit. Should my anti-Nolte appear in the meantime, yippee for me. I'd love to skip the dating period and jump right into matrimonial bliss (I'm 98% certain this is an oxymoron. I'm 99% certain this is something you should not say on a first date...and of course, I have). I think I'm ready to be in a real relationship, I'm just exhausted from looking for one. Hehe...I've got a lot of quit in me.

Did I mention I'm sick of dating? I did? Just checking.

Am I still hoping Uncle Haru has an arranged marriage in the works for me? Absolutely.

At least I didn't steal any babies.

I'm in the middle of a come to Jesus moment as I have recently been on a sinnin' spree! Seriously, one bad choice followed by an even worse action, rounded off with a really stupid situation. I'd love to blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol, but sadly I can't. Seeing as I'm pretty into my reputation and the way others perceive me, I'm gonna have to forgo the details of my ridiculousness. Let's just say on a scale of 1-dumb of how poorly my decision making has been, I'm dancing dangerously close to retarded. Hence, my come to Jesus moment.

Ecclesiastes has always been one of my favorite books of the ol' Bible, so I spent a good portion of my Sunday reflecting on its words. The book emphasizes that life from the human perspective - without the grace of God - is empty. Power, prestige, popularity and pleasure cannot fill the void. Ah, so true. I got a whole mess of void that still needs some filling.

Luther on Ecclesiastes: While in the first book [Proverbs] Solomon teaches obedience in the face of mad lust and desire, so in this book he teaches that men are to be patient and steadfast in obedience, in the face of unpleasantness and temptation, and ever to wait out the brief hour in peace and joy. What they cannot keep or alter, they are to let go; it will all work out.

Always a fan of Luther's lucid deductions, I'm hoping it does in fact all work out. I need to take a step back and shift my priorities a bit. The little Cosmo quiz revealing my quest for pleasure was not too far off. Ha! Cosmo you're so smart, I won't make fun you anymore next month.

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. ~Ecclesiastes 2: 10-11

Ever notice how stupid decisions lead to even more foolish actions that eventually compound themselves into a hot mess of consequences you brought on yourself? I even saw this shit coming! (Probably shouldn't swear in a post riddled with Biblical connotations. I am seriously the poster child for lack of self control.) No excuses, which sucks because I love finding someone else to blame my problems on. You're off the hook this time DTabs!

This week is going to be a little bit different. Here's hoping at least.

1. Attempt to refrain from jumping into situations that seem harmless enough, but could very well land you in jail or purgatory (if I believed in such a place).
2. Actually consider others' feelings. Selfishness is not a pretty color on anyone, not even me.
3. Take a moment to mull over the 5 minutes of fun you're about to have and how you will most definitely have more than 5 minutes of regret afterwards.
4. Just don't go out in public.

These cryptic confessions are honestly not thaaat bad. I suppose that's left to ones own interpretation, but I didn't murder anyone, steal any babies, engage in any orgies, and I haven't taken to necrophagia or black magic. So that's gotta be worth something, right? Silver lining folks!

Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. ~Ecc. 12: 13-14

Cos-NO, NO, NO-politan #2

Don't you hate it when you realize you've been singing the wrong lyrics to a song and wonder how many times you've exposed your deaf ear? DJ Khaled's "We Taken Over" apparently does not contain the phrase murder city attitude, rather one city at a time. Not even close, well played Khaled.

Anyway, I picked up this month's Cosmo because I was curious to know if "Stress is Turning You Into a Raging Bitch." Not to worry, they've provided some killer solutions. All I need to do in order to stimulate my "feel good hormones" is lock lips with someone, practice saying the word No, and skip the New Year's resolution. After all, that New Year's resolution really gets my cortisol raging. Phew, dodged a bullet there.

This month's anthology is filled with perfume ads from celebutards. I'm sorry Jessica Simpson, I'm sure your fragrance is lovely, but I have a hard time spritzing myself with Fancy Love and not feeling like a giant douche. Also, Mariah Carey's Forever ad is one of the creepiest photos I have ever seen. Sort of makes you want to buy that dangerous looking vile of kryptonite in hopes of supporting those afflicted with Bell's palsy.

Moving along, Turn a One-Night Stand Into an LTR (long term relationship for those of you who have not given up on complete English in lieu of Twitter/text/Facebook speak). The tag line - If you realize that Mr. In-Your-Bed-Right-Now could possibly be Mr. Right, you need to act fast! - is so sad on so many levels. It should read - If your slutty ass realizes that the lagoon creature in-your-bed-right-now could possibly be carrying various strains of VD, you need to get to a clinic fast! Seriously Cosmo? It's bad enough if you find yourself preparing for your sad walk of shame, let alone giving advice on how to draw it out. Little tip ladies, one-night stands don't usually lead to romance. You've already given up the goodies to a guy who was willing to sample the goodies before you've even learned one another's last names. Where exactly do you go from there? Uhhh...so, do you like, have a job? Oh, I see you collect toenails...interesting. I don't normally do this ::nervous laughter:: I'm just gonna grab my scrunchy and head out. Byyyeeee.....

In the Man Manual under Guy Truth, I had one of my most urgent questions answered: Can I ask my guy what's going on in his head during sex? I mean c'mon, is this query really worthy of publication? Does anyone wonder if this is an appropriate activity during sex? The other question I've been dieing to have some light shed on: This guy I met only talks about sex. Is that all he wants from me? No honey, he's Dr. Ruth's apprentice, it's just research.

Let's see, I learned Why Love is Harder in Winter. Answer - you feel gross. Solution - adopt a puppy together! WTF? Do you get rid of the dog when the earth thaws and you're done feeling gross?

I've taken on a new obsession - I plan on compulsively analyzing the way men hug me. What I've gathered thus far is that the sneak attack, the rub, and the waist wrap = good. The pat = bad. Although there's an exception to the sneak attack. "If your man almost always hugs you from the back, that might mean he craves a closer connection but thinks you're unavailable." Agghhh! How does one remedy this?! The investigation continues...

The Need to Know section really tugs at your heart strings this month in a little composition entitled Why I Got Rid of My Fake Boobs. Spoiler alert! Everyone stared at them and didn't take her seriously. I did need to know that.

Finally, the Cosmo Quiz, Do You Get Enough Pleasure? brought on the startling revelation that I am the Queen of Temptation: You're at a 24/7 pleasure party...but there's more to life than caving in to every instafun (if we find a great lack of authors, editors, or English teachers in the future I'm blaming Cosmo) temptation. Try ignoring your buzz-kill radar and riding out tough times (um, no thanks. You're on my buzz-kill radar Cosmo) you'll attain a deeper level of pleasure. I don't like the insinuation behind this, makes me sound like a harlot.

So that's this month's Cosmo for ya. I've got to go find some pleasure now and start a hug journal.

Check out my inspiration for doing a dating promo below at Talkie Time. Love. This. Woman.

A blonde's take on genetics...riveting!

Webster's Dictionary defines patient as:


1. Capable of bearing affliction calmly. 2. Understanding: tolerant. 3. Persevering: constant. 4. Capable of bearing delay. Synonyms include: forbearing, long-suffering, resigned; adj. core meaning: enduring or capable of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint.

The only part of this definition that really resonated with me was the bit about long-suffering. Every year I expect to develop this little adult idiosyncrasy, but alas, it eludes me. In fact, my impatience appears to be blossoming. I want everything figured out and tucked neatly into place...yesterday. I absolutely abhor the phrase, "Just enjoy the ride!" I'm a roller coaster type girl. I enjoy the anticipation, inevitable stomach flip and abrupt ending. Onto the next! I don't have the attention span for the effen Tea Cups.


This is precisely the reason I'm not a huge fan of dating. When you meet someone you want to see naked connect with, it's difficult to muster Buddha's patience. I want to know what is wrong with you or why we will inevitably fail within a 3 date time frame. Is that too much to ask? When you dilly dally around playing nice, hoping to conceal the crazy, you're simply delaying the "it's not you, it's me" song and dance. Be honest! You're not going to change someone, so you might as well be upfront with your expectations. If you no longer want to see them naked connect, then you've wasted very little time, energy and emotional turmoil. Win-win!


Now I understand certain traits will not initially present themselves. Does your love interest harbor passive aggressive argument tactics? Horrible at karaoke? Suck at board or video games? Fart in their sleep? I suppose if you're still a passing interest to me, I can hold out long enough to discover some of these deal breakers. But not too long. I'm sort of an outta sight, outta mind person. I lose interest quickly (and by 'lose interest' I mean, forget that you exist) and don't enjoy the waiting around portion of dating. If I like you, I want to spend time with you. Now this attached-at-the-hip feeling is quite fleeting, but initially I do want to be near you, a lot. Whether we're physically together, or just talking on the phone, I need to know you're on the same page as I am. There is nothing worse than pursuing something that was never meant to be pursued.



After you finally get to know each other and evaluate the potential of spending more than the odd date here and there, then I'm as patient as Job. (Pick up a Bible if you don't understand that reference or know how to pronounce his name.) I like my life pretty much the way it is. I don't want a roommate or a Siamese twin. I want to spend time with someone because some activities are better as a dazzling duo. Video games (if you don't suck), tennis, walking 3 dogs, going out to eat, shooting darts and camping to name a few. Also, marriage and parenthood seem to work a little better with a partner, or so I've heard.


I certainly need to improve on my severely deficient patient gene (is that a gene? I'm gonna go with No on this one). I've probably passed up a few amazing experiences or people because of its absence. However, the one propitious aspect of this lack of patience is its undeniable filtering capabilities. I've been able to sift through a lot of nonsense, thus avoiding a lot of wasted time. Wasting time, now that's a gene I've housed in great abundance.

I feel I've been a bit melodramatic lately my friends, so I'm going to give you a break and regale you with some of my new "Matches."

[Yes, the above picture was found in Mr. Mary Lou Retten's profile. Aside from the impressive pose I can't help but admire those teal trunks.]

This 80's icon describes his education as "went to the tech school," and his "ideal girl will be fit and well kept." Well by golly, I better dust off my apron and put a little rouge on!

Not to sound off color here but this guy looked like a terrorist until I gave him that jazzy bow tie. Also, this picture is either photoshopped or yet another failed Glamour Shots project. His profile indicates he loves a sensitive woman with feminine ability. I am seeking a lady who is take care of me, and well spoken...finish my work at work and give my girl its time as my partner in life. I like to participate her in everything...even in problems we must think together how to solve. I am also friendly, amiable and lovely. Just in case I was onto something in my initial pre-bow tie assessment, I'm going to let you make your own conclusions here.

I have never laid claim to being a master of linguistics, but I was under the impression that the description "athletic and toned" did not encompass man boobs or a belly button stuck in the wink position. Apparently this dashing fella, who claims to be a writer, does in fact think "athletic and toned" incorporates these attributes. There's a hearty dose of yuck for ya.

Hooray, Superman thinks we're a Match!

As I'm certain you've concluded, my dating life is really starting to take off. When I check my Match.com account, at times I have to eyeball the browser to make sure I didn't accidentally access Fail Blog. Sad, really sad. Have a great day folks!

Pee Wee's School of Drivers Ed

Since my puppy has graciously allowed me some much needed rest I've been engaging in one of my favorite activities once again - pondering trivial dating ideals! In true Pee Wee Herman secret word of the day style, COUNTERPART (aggghhhh!) let's begin.

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What do you do when you meet your counterpart (aggghhh!)? Maybe not necessarily lifestyle, socioeconomic status, or career counterpart (agggghhhh!....okay, I'm done), but personality wise. What happens when your life converges with someone else whom represents your equivalent in future expectations, approach to relationships and fundamental beliefs? Is this a recipe for disaster or success?

Everyone loves the idea that opposites attract. Truthfully, I think this is a comfortable explanation for why you ended up with someone you never pictured yourself stuck with. At the end of the day, too many divergent attributes leads to discord and frustration. What may seem charmingly offbeat in the beginning, eventually becomes arduous. Your differing opinions may provide exciting banter in the early stages when you're still trying to get laid devouring each others words, but you'll eventually succumb to the fact that the other person is a disparaging idiot. To reference Sex and the City, Miranda and Steve would NEVER work out in real life. Sure the charmingly dimwitted Steve would provide a little amusement for the domineering, Type A Miranda at first, but a real world Miranda would find this exhausting and obnoxious after awhile. What does Steve bring to the table? Unless you're an oppressive maneater who delights in subjugating a weaker species, this match is destined to fail. Polar opposite personalities may be intriguing, but lend themselves to future discord. It's alright to have contrasting viewpoints such as James Carville and Mary Matalin, but their seemingly paradoxical relationship works because essentially they're passionate about the same things, politics.

The idea that two people with completely different ideologies, familial status, financial security or basic intelligence could thrive as a couple is ludicrous. Certainly you may have some analogous qualities like the desire to eat and avoid fire but there needs to be some fundamental similarities in order to progress.

So back to my original thought, what do you do when you've met your match? Your COUNTERPART...aggghhh! Couldn't resist. Someone who is used to assuming a particular role in a relationship, a role typically reserved for your expertise. Does one half of the relationship compromise? If so, which half? As a rule I'd say I am usually the driving force behind a relationship. Meaning I dictate where it's going and how quickly we get there. I don't think I've necessarily aspired to be in the drivers seat, I just end up there as I'm hopelessly devoted to dating student drivers. Perhaps I could be willing to turn the keys over to someone who exhibits proper U-turns and parallel parking. The problem that remains is simply this. I'm not sure I'm ready to be chauffeured around. I like having some control over my relationships as I feel ever so confident that my charming disposition and scintillating repartee will keep my heart free from collision. Allowing someone else to take the reigns feels as if I'm taking off my seat belt after hitting 80 on the freeway. Perhaps we could try the driver's ed car, at least allowing myself a modicum of control if need be. It might be nice for a change to have someone else direct the route of a relationship. I suppose if it's not, I can always pull the emergency break.

Another teensy-weensy matter of contention with finding your dating counterpart is what course of action do you take to ensnare court them? I've grown accustom to pursuing men that think I'm the bees knees (whoa, shout out to the 1920's). Who doesn't want to surround themselves with people that are easily impressed through very little effort of your own? So upon finding my counterpart, one who is also inclined to cultivate relationships with eager admirers, which one of us becomes the groupie? I can just envision two closet narcissists on a date, waiting for the other to kowtow to ones majesty. Seems as if someones gotta budge or you're going to spend a lot of time pursing your lips and giving creepy sly winks in hopes of breaking down the other's barrier. Hmmm....is this an exciting new challenge, or a Martha Stewart caliber recipe for utter disaster?

I suppose if the fawning never takes place but you both realize you're happy in each other's company it might be really fantastic. Who doesn't want to be with the adult equivalent of the prom king/queen? This of course based on the assumption you deem yourself worthy of such a prestigious title. I'm not one to quickly reveal my soft spot for certain attributes that make me swoon. Such attributes include: religious affiliation, height, good credit, mortgage toting preppies, and dog lovers. I'm also a sucker for anyone who is not completely appalled by my candor. Shhhh....let's remain a mystery.

Now if your counterpart doesn't exhibit some of the fundamental qualities that you need to feel secure, loved, or completely and hopelessly devoted to, then you're destined to fail. Simple as that. As much as I may be willing to attempt a supportive acting role in a relationship, I cannot compromise certain requisites...no matter how dreamy you were on prom night.

If you happen to stumble across someone that parallels your every dating philosophy, don't run back to your pimply student driver just yet. Put yourself out there. Of course you run the risk of being completely put in your place with a hearty dose of humble pie, but it could be fun. The higher you aim the farther you may fall. However, if you do secure that diamond in the rough just imagine the sparkly future.

More disturbing Pee Wee's Playhouse videos below at Talkie Time!